So in order for me to post updates about things happening in the present, I should write a little bit of my background first – what has happened this year up to now, so my future posts should make sense, carrying on from this post. ( I will at some point write “my story” going back years and years but not today.)
I was living in a kind of rehabilitation care home type place for mental health from Oct 2015 – May 2016. I moved there from yet another care home, which i will write about another time. There are always 2 nurses on shift but the “residents” were expected to just do everything by themselves promoting independence – buying and cooking your own food etc. Except me. I have been on 1 to 1 observations (yep, you never get used to having someone with you 24/7 *facepalm*) for years now, so I was the only residential there that needed that kind of support. I was in and out of general hospital a lot for self harm and in April there was a new manager who wanted me out, and they called for a mental health assessment and I have been in different hospitals since.
I firstly was moved to a local PICU, then to an adult acute ward closer to my home area. Then randomly i was moved to another acute ward in the same area mid July. The plan from the start was always to get me moved to a specialist personality disorder ward (which is where I am now, but Ill come back to that). But I was on the waiting list for a long time. I developed good therapeutic relationships with a few nurses and ward manager in my first acute ward (who is coming to visit me here) and the consultant in my 2nd acute ward is the best most understanding nicest psychiatrist Ive ever met. I was also there for 2 months and although it was only a matter of weeks before I was to be moved to the PD ward, they couldnt manage me so they sent me to a PICU (psychiatric intensive care unit). And after 2 weeks of being there, a few beds at the PD ward become free, so here I am.
This is the first personality disorder ward I have ever been to and Ive been here for exactly 3 weeks. Its specific to borderline/emotionally unstable personality disorder and is DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy). The ward is more homely than the acute ones, the staff are mainly nice. There is a lot more structure here than in non specialist wards which in my opinion is a good thing as long as its not forced (luckily this isnt one of those places where they lock your rooms or take your phones away). We have meds at 7.30, breakfast at 8.30, planning meeting at 9 and groups than run throughout the week. At the moment I am not allowed downstairs to at least 50% of the groups due to me not being trusted around “risk items” (aka smashable things) I could use to hurt myself. But if you miss more than 10 groups or individual therapy in a certain amount of time then you get “kicked out.” Ive had 2 sessions of individual therapy so far but at the moment its just introductory level.
They really struggled to manage me when i first came here (I get restrained a lot), and are still struggling now. They keep threatening to move me back to PICU but their threats are different every time and they keep changing their minds drastically.
I keep myself busy mainly by colouring, scrapbooking, playing games and using social media. Things are unbearably tough but hoping that it won’t stay this way forever.
Thank you to everyone who’s bothered to read this.