The night before ward round…

Ward round days here are every Wednesday. Im not sure exactly what time mine is tomorrow. It generally makes people anxious. Well it does make me anxious anyway. This is when people reflect on the past week and either worry about what the consultant will say if youve had a bad week, or worry that their requests (to come off 1 to 1, unescorted leave ect) wont be accepted.

So far my ward rounds have been pretty uneventful. Tomorrow will be my fourth one which means Ive been here for exactly 4 weeks. In my ward rounds they mainly go round the room  each person verbalising how they think Ive been the past week.

The doctor here is a nice person I guess, overly optimistic but I think is gradually losing his patience with me. However, I think a lot of mental health professionals’ outlook and priorities are all very shallow. Like why would I want to stop my self destructive behaviours unless I felt better mentally?  Id rather do what im doing now than feel even worse and even more trapped by not self harming. The last 2 ward rounds have basically been lectures on how Im affecting the ward  blah blah and how reluctant I am to make changes. Im not non egaging – im happy to work on other aspects of my problems but they only see “problem behaviours” as the priority. I could go on about this for hours so I shall stop now.

My incidents haven’t improved so I doubt ward round will go in my favour tomorrow but to be honest i don’t think i really care if i do get moved/kicked out. What I don’t want is for me to end up in some worst hospital ever and be full of regret. So I am keeping an open mind.

Also for some reason theyve noticed that i go on my phone soon after Ive had an “incident ” and they were suspicious that I was texting people with information inappropriately or something. The consultant even asked me to show them my messages to make sure they didnt correlate with the times of my incidents. I told them that I didnt feel comfortable with that as its an invasion of privacy and also that I go on my phone to play games as a distraction. Why do hospitals always expect the worst!
Anyway I am aware Ive wtitten a hell of a lot more than intended so apologies. Thanks to everyone who does bother to read it

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