I am so exhausted purely from the chaos in my mind. I shall try and explain some of my experiences in my head – mainly 2 very different states of mind.
State a) I will have a few days where I am almost “hyperactive”. The pain is still there just as much as ever but accompanied by this euphoric discomfort that stops me from sleeping. (And no, I do not class it as “discomfort” just because I am not “used to feeling good/happy” – this is entirely different.) My heart beats so fast, I have to be doing something, all the time yet the emptiness still remains. I have little to no appetite and I am extremely impulsive.
Then there is state b). I am extremely low in mood and I cannot bring myself to do anything. Whereas I was restless before, this time nothing can distract me from the emptiness eating me inside. I am lethargic. Definitely full of more thought through, dark ideas and unspoken emotions, and maybe a bit less impulsive.
And then of course there’s the transition between one to the other. I can switch from state b) to a) in minutes, overnight but let me tell you, the transition from a) to b) is absolutely horrific.
These are only two of my billions of patterns and mind states, and I’m sure this is normal for everyone, it has been explained to me that people with my diagnosis feel these type of cycles in a much more extreme way. For us it it takes longer to get back to middle ground (which, for me, never happens).
I don’t think there is a way to make it stop but all that can be asked is how to manage them and challenge thoughts and behaviours accompanied to make these processes more bearable and also less impacting on our daily lives.
Anyway, there is currently a colouring and listening to music session with 2 other lovely patients, hosted in my room so Imma go now. Thanks for reading.