So I’ve been in this particular PD ward coming up 4 weeks now, meaning that in a couple of weeks, the 6 week assessment will be over and I will have my first CPA.
And I have no idea if I will be staying or going.
I will list a few factors that might influence the eventual outcome, many of which will contradict each other
- Over the past week, I have made up my mind that I’d like to stay. I wrote a letter saying that this is a far more therapeutic ward than my previous few, and I am willing to engage except from my behaviours. But apparently the whole reason of being here is to stop the behaviours
- The consultant said that being here is about a motivation to change to build a better life for yourself and to stop self destructive behaviours. Which is the exact opposite of how I feel in myself. It’s not that I dont want to get better but I just can’t imagine it. And I am strongly adamant not to stop the behaviours because of deep set reasons and besides why would I want to “manage” better when I feel just as unbearable inside? All they want is to treat the symptoms not the cause. And no don’t even go there with elastic bands or ice because that wouldn’t meet my reasons as to why I do what I do.
- The main problem at the moment is the fact that I am being restrained daily due, which they cannot cope with. I said that I am going to try and stop which will lessen the restraints but Im not sure it can happen in 2 weeks before my CPA especially after the tortorous week I have had.
- I have seen the psychologist here a few times now. She is really good – shes got a doctor status and she is trained in many types of therapy for many types of illnesses. Her plan is to see me a few more times, then decide what would be the best therapy/treatment for me. This ward only does DBT and if I’m not suitable for it then apparently there’s no point me being here.
- I just don’t want to end up moving somewhere else (aka a horrid medium secure unit) and be full of regret. This is actually a decent (ish) ward (even though I hate being in hospital anyway) with a lot of trained staff with a full occupational therapy group timetable and therapy schedules. I don’t want to end up in a situation where I’ve blown the only chance of treatment I will ever have.
- However, the staff are fully aware and are pleased with how hard I am trying to cope otherwise.
So I basically have not much of a clue.
Anyway I am currently worrying about the possibility of another sleepless night so I shall end this now. I know I have pretty much just moaned about myself but I hope that it at least had made sense.