Sometimes I feel like my existence isn’t even real. I have no sense whatsoever about who I am as a person, and when I am around others, all I can see of myself is an empty shell. What would anyone see in me? There’s just a big gaping hole. I am surrounded by strong personalities around me who push and pull, and I drift around like a ghost. When I’m with others and they’re having a laugh, it’s as if I’m not there. I almost feel transparent. It’s like I’m there, yet I’m not.
The times when I have made friends only have happened when I don’t care or when I’m not “looking” for anything. Even then I wonder what they see in me.
I just feel so boring, lacking in substance. I’m not energetic or loud or outwardly talented. I’m more awkward which tends to mean I get overlooked but it doesn’t hurt me as much anymore because I’m used to it. Apparently I seem “detached” from others quite a lot (my therapist told me that) which I guess puts an invisible barrier that doesn’t allow anyone or anything to get too close. But I don’t mean to be like that.
Sorry I hope this post didn’t sound too self pitying. I was just venting and reflecting on my feelings generally. Now I’m anxious about being able to sleep tonight so I shall end this here. Maybe one day it won’t hurt so much.