Reflections – “How did I get here?” 2016

So it’s now been over 6 months since I was re hospitalised this year since 2013. As I mentioned in one of my early posts, I’ve lived in different mental health community residential homes/care homes since then. It’s really difficult to be positive after a long long history with mental illness, because you kinda think to yourself “if it was possible to recover, then surely I would have done by now.” It’s so hard when people say “only you can change things. You will get better only if you want to.” And it makes me feel like crap because I’ve tried so hard to change things in the past and present and of course I want to recover. It’s just now gotten to the point where I can’t imagine things ever being truly better. For me, recovering isn’t just about working on the outside behaviours and “managing” them (like professionals think) – it’s about feeling better too, so we don’t need to use unhelpful behaviours so much.

So anyway, I was sectioned again over 6 months ago (ironically in May – mental health awareness month) and have been in different acute wards and PICUs since, until I came here. It was always the plan since I was sectioned for me to come somewhere like here – part of the reason I was put under section was to get “specialist treatment” not just about safety (even though it was the primary reason). I preferred the 2 acute units I was in, but they were only short term admissions – mostly to do with medication changes – and they don’t offer therapy. They were just a holding place until I came here. And in 3 days time it will be my first CPA deciding whether I’m suitable for here or not, whether I stay or go – which I have extremely mixed feelings about too.

How did I waste a whole summer in hospital? I made the most of summer 2013 (my first summer out of hospital) but each summer after that became progressively worse (2014, 15 etc). I know there isn’t any point in regretting or moping.

Sometimes I take a deep breath and wonder if this was part of God’s life plan for me and had to happen as part of my “journey”, or I’ve majorly just f-cked up. It’s interesting to reflect upon these things, however sometimes we just need to keep our eyes shut whilst plodding on, or even taking a leap of faith.

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