The day before my CPA…

I know I’ve written about my upcoming CPA a lot but I thought it was going to be the end of this week, not tomorrow! I was told today by the ward manager. And “shitting myself” does not come close to how I am feeling.

I’ve spoken to the other staff and patients about it. To be fair this afternoon has been really nice chilling in the lounge with a few others. Apparently I will have to say why I want to stay here and my goals for the future. And that’s going to be a very tough one for me, considering the prospect of even another day approaching terrifies and overwhelmes me. I said to one of the patients “Um, well, I could be in a lot worse places than here with less freedom.” But she said that isn’t a good reason to stay, so I shouldn’t say that.

The main issue I have is being at loggerheads with the team over my destructive behaviours. I am currently not ready to stop these behaviours. I said I don’t see why I should stop if I am still in this much pain. The behaviours are just  a symptom of the root problems, and for me, it would only make sense in my personal situation for the behaviours to only stop when the problems have been worked through, until I wouldn’t need them anymore. But here, before you officially start therapy, you have to commit to be willing to change your behaviours before  starting – and this goes against everything I believe in. 

So I have no idea what I am going to say. The patients have said “If they’ve kept you up to the 6 week period, they’re not gonna just kick you out” – but I’m not sure in my case. They’ve been threatening to kick me out ever since my first week. Even the consultant himself one ward round a few weeks ago said that if I carried on the way I have, I wouldn’t be allowed to stay  – but here I still am. I am aware that I am completely contradicting myself with every sentence, but that’s me – a walking contradiction.

It’s now approaching evening time which is extremely anxiety provoking. It means that the next day is sooner (I wrote about this in my previous post). I’m going to listen to some music and maybe do some of my colouring to take my mind off all the possible outcomes of tomorrow. Thanks to everyone who have bothered to read. Wish me luck!

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