Just wanted to write an entry for the sake of writing from my laptop, as opposed to previously posting from my phone.
Today was ward round today, and having my laptop is one of the outcomes which I am happy about. I am still not allowed to spend time in my room though, and they won’t take me off 1 to 1 observations due to “risk” which sucks but I’m trying not to be down about it. The consultant didn’t particularly seem enthusiastic about the fact I wanted to leave, which is surprising because when I first was admitted, they said that if you aren’t ready to make a commitment to stop certain behaviours, you can’t stay here. So I don’t really know where I stand. He did tell me to bring it up in my next review on the 4th January though. I don’t know. Some days, the thought of staying here doesn’t seem too bad but other days it feels unbearable. I don’t really know what’s best for me, but I do know what isn’t good for me. I mean, no one knows you better than yourself right? And it’s not like I’m making an impulsive decision.
It’s also my birthday next month. I can’t imagine being here on my birthday. It will be my first birthday in hospital since I was 17 (I’ve been in care homes between my hospitalisations) and my first birthday without alcohol since I was 18. I really don’t feel ready to be 22. My 21st year has just been self destruction. But worryingly enough, I wouldn’t see that as a negative. I need to clear my morbid mind out!
Anyway on a more positive note, they have finished refurbishing the lounge so we are no longer cramped up in the ward round room, and they are replacing our bedroom furniture with new furniture. It’s been so hectic with all the builders here but hopefully it won’t be too much longer.
Also, as I write often, please please leave feedback and please let me know if there is anything you would like me to write about or any topics you would like me to post. It would be very much appreciated. Thanks for reading.