Back at the ward…

It sucks. I didn’t want to come back but hey ho. Hopefully I can go home again soon. The consultant doesn’t want me going every week because he doesn’t want to “rush” things but I just want to spend as least time in this hospital as I possibly can. So I hopefully can go again in 2 weeks fingers crossed.

Hope you’re all okay.

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​Been 11 months in hospital now this time round since i got re sectioned 🙈🙈🙈 11 months no leave whatsoever. How have I survived?

Sorry I haven’t written for so long. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to post about, it’s more that I can’t get my jumbled up brain to work well enough to be able to put it into a decently formed blog post.

 Not feeling the most optimistic about the upcoming week. Theyll be taking me off my antidepressant completely from tomorrow and monitoring me for a week before starting a new antidepressant next week. So Im a bit nervous. But if anything, I just cant be bothered to go through another week. I’m not sleeping well either, which makes a change from oversleeping for the past few months.

On another note, I’ve been listening to Lorde quite a bit the last few days and I must say I am a fan of her music. Currently listening to one of her latest songs “Green Light” at the moment. I cannot believe she is only 20! She looks older – older than my 22 year old self anyway! 

Anyway it’s just gone 9pm in England and I was planning to attempt an early night so I shall bid you all farewell for now. Sending warmth love and strength to you all out there xxx

Just existing.

Hey everyone. I know I haven’t posted in a while due to not having anything worthy to post about but I guess this is my blog and I get to choose what is considered “worthy” of sharing right? I’ve been tempted to post about a few topics such as my eating disorder, a motivational bucket list of things I want to do once I get out of hospital etc but I haven’t gotten around to putting these things into words. I will most likely write about these things in the future as they are both important to me.


So anyway I had my manager’s hearing today. A manager’s hearing is a meeting that takes place whenever your section is up for renewal and it consists of 3 independent mental health professionals coming in to assess whether the patient should remain on section or not. At first I wasn’t going to go in but I saw my solicitor who persuaded me to go in. I told her that if discharge wasn’t possible, I would prefer to be transferred to a different hospital, and she said that the panel could make a recommendation for me to move. However in the end the panel just said that they were only here regarding my section, the rest wasn’t up to them. Long story short, I didn’t come off my sectioned. They still think I have a mental disorder etc. Which isn’t surprising but yknow.

I know I would most likely be criticised for writing about this online, but a lot of the reason that I want to leave is because I feel like no one understands me here. I don’t feel any sense of trust or connection with any of the team here compared to previous hospitals/placements. I miss some of the staff from my old places so much. I don’t feel like being here has helped me at all. All I am doing is existing. 

About a week ago, the psychologist said she recommended me starting the group DBT programme but in therapy yesterday she realised there were some parts of the routine I would not be able to keep myself safe i.e going to the dining room for lunch straight from group ( – I’m not allowed in the dining room due to stuff I can use in a risky way) and the possibility of risk items lying around the therapy room would be quite high. So now she wants to discuss my “risk” and challenge my “committment to treatment”. Here’s to say therapy isn’t my favourite past time at the moment!

Anyway it’s the end of the week so I shall stop moaning for now. Hopefully one day things may change for the better but for now, all I can do is exist and try to get through each day the best I can. 

I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22! (Or not)

I walked into the lounge and 22 by Taylor Swift came on right away – must be fate!   It doesn’t really feel like a birthday – I still feel like I’m 17! But remember one of the latest posts I wrote about needing to take more care of myself? I managed to have a shower yesterday and did my makeup. The other girls all put some money in to get me a birthday present- a cute pair of pyjamas and socks which I am wearing now. Later on we are going to order a takeaway using spare cash the unit has.

However it is also ward round today and I regret agreeing to come into my ward round as it was horrifically stressful  (apart them all singing happy birthday to me when I walked in at first- cringe!). They’re trying to pressure me into not doing things I’m not ready to stop which is hard for me. But apart from writing about it now I have decided not to dwell on it as it won’t help matters.

On a positive,  In the last 7 days I have only binged properly twice which is huge achievement for me! And it hasn’t all been a struggle- it feels like second nature to me now. Have to be weighed tomorrow morning though which I’m sure will send me off the edge. But anyway! Enough negativity!

I’m going to spend the rest of the day chilling out whether it just means continuing reading the Fault In Our Stars on my new tablet or chatting with the other girls.

It’s  my birthday on Wednesday!

…And I don’t feel 22 at all! I can’t believe how quick the time is going and the years are passing.  It saddens me a lot really because I feel like I’m getting older with nothing to show for. It will also be my first birthday since I was 17 (my last sober birthday)!! 

I really need to sort myself out this year. I am not looking after myself physically and I spend all my time in pyjamas. Sure, it may be understandable since I am in hospital but it doesn’t make it an excuse! I am also not eating healthily and binging which makes me loathe myself more and contributes to me not wanting to get dressed cause of the phobia of my clothes getting tight. I’m  a mess, physically as well as emotionally. But I know enough is enough and hopefully I will continue with this motivation.

I got a new tablet for my birthday from my parents but I’m not allowed to open it till my birthday. I feel guilty and materialistic but surely everyone is allowed nice things? 

Anyway I will probably spend the day playing games on my phone and pokemon on my DS – I kinda gave up on it but I must persevere! Hope you are all having a good weekend so far! 

My first Christmas in hospital since I was 17…

Hey everyone. I haven’t posted much because there hasn’t been much change in how I have been or how the unit has been. As the title states, this was my first Christmas in hospital since 2011 (the rest since being in care homes). Christmas is a difficult time of year for a lot of people especially when there is so much pressure to be cheerful.

So the majority of patients went on leave for Christmas. A few of them even went on leave for over 2 weeks and are due back next week! So it was only myself and 2 other patients who were here on Christmas day. 

It wasn’t too bad considering it was in hospital. We watched the new Tarzan movie downstairs on the big projector, opened gifts from the hospital  (they asked us what we wanted in a 10 pound budget so I  asked for slippers). My parents then came in the afternoon and stayed until evening which was really lovely. It’s been the first Christmas day that I’ve spent with them since I was 15 because previously they have come to see me on boxing day instead.

Oh, and it’s my birthday on the 11th January! I am soo not ready to be 22!! I am getting a nice Samsung tablet for my birthday though so I can sync it with my Samsung phone.

The last few days after Christmas have been extremely difficult though, a lot of sh** went down but I’m a survivor. The situation is still pretty difficult and I’ve had to make pretty big scary decisions but I’m trying not to think too much about it or else I will end up playing a thousand different scenarios round and round in my head.

It is also my professionals meeting on the 4th January. In this meeting, I will be asked again if I would like to stay or go somewhere else. Over the last 6 weeks I have gone from being on the fence, to being adamant about leaving, and now being on the fence again. Honestly speaking, due to what my care coordinator has told me (who will also be in the meeting), it would be hard to find a place for me to go even if I protested to leave. I think I will still request to leave in case this is my last chance to back out, because once I make a commitment , that’s it.

But anyway that’s enough about my life for now. Has anyone got any new year’s resolutions ? If you do, feel free to comment below 🙂

Just a check in. 

Good evening readers/bloggers whoever and wherever you may be. I hope you have all had a good week so far!


My parents came to visit on Saturday and it was actually really nice to see them – no arguments! it was really hard to say goodbye except the fact it had gone 7pm and I was falling asleep(My meds make me sleepy really early)
So currently I am still here at the personality disorder ward. Previously I mentioned wanting to leave and be moved to another acute ward with less expectations – well I rang my care coordonator today but he thinks moving me will set me backwards and who also went on about how long it took me on the waiting list to end up where I am now, and therefore finding me somewhere else would be even more difficult. I understand where he’s come from I guess but I just don’t feel anyone really understands me here. I put on such a good facade that I can’t remember the last time I was truly genuine with anyone. The hospital has pretty much put me in a position where I can’t engage in a certain “problem behaviour” which therefore means I am doing well, which I’m okay with. But nothing has changed mentally. That particular problem behaviour has it’s phases – 2 months of doing it daily, then stop… then another 2 months then stop… I stopped again this time but it’s not cause of anything the hospital’s done, it’s because of how I work anyway! I feel like I am being pushed in a direction that I really do not want to go down – but since when did I ever get a choice?

Also this is the latest I’ve stayed up til in ages! My medication  (Clopixol injection 200mg weekly) makes me really tired and I end up sleeping from between 5.30-7pm all the way through the night! I don’t know why I’m still awake now to be honest. I took my zopiclone sleeping tablet with the rest of my night meds about half an hour ago.

On a positive, although they are extremely behind with post, my new pokemon moon game should be arriving by the end of this week (was ordered on Friday from Amazon, would have gotten here by now if it wasn’t for the xmas rush) and I am so excited! I’d love to do a little post purely about Pokemon when I get into the game XD

Anyway I should really think about trying to sleep now. I have therapy at 9am tomorrow and a meeting with the social worker and hoping hoping hoping my damn post will arrive tomorrow too! 

First time on WordPress using my laptop!

Just wanted to write an entry for the sake of writing from my laptop, as opposed to previously posting from my phone.

Today was ward round today, and having my laptop is one of the outcomes which I am happy about. I am still not allowed to spend time in my room though, and they won’t take me off 1 to 1 observations due to “risk” which sucks but I’m trying not to be down about it. The consultant didn’t particularly seem enthusiastic about the fact I wanted to leave, which is surprising because when I first was admitted, they said that if you aren’t ready to make a commitment to stop certain  behaviours, you can’t stay here. So I don’t really know where I stand. He did tell me to bring it up in my next review on the 4th January though. I don’t know. Some days, the thought of staying here doesn’t seem too bad but other days it feels unbearable. I don’t really know what’s best for me, but I do know what isn’t good for me. I mean, no one knows you better than yourself right? And it’s not like I’m making an impulsive decision.

It’s also my birthday next month. I can’t imagine being here on my birthday. It will be my first birthday in hospital since I was 17 (I’ve been in care homes between my hospitalisations) and my first birthday without alcohol since I was 18. I really don’t feel ready to be 22. My 21st year has just been self destruction. But worryingly enough, I wouldn’t see that as a negative. I need to clear my morbid mind out!

Anyway on a more positive note, they have finished refurbishing the lounge so we are no longer cramped up in the ward round room, and they are replacing our bedroom furniture with new furniture. It’s been so hectic with all the builders here but hopefully it won’t be too much longer.

Also, as I write often, please please leave feedback and please let me know if there is anything you would like me to write about or any topics you would like me to post. It would be very much appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Medicated reflections.

That’s how I feel today. The name of this post says it itself. Meds make you feel crap so you take more meds to balance it out. If only I could be without any medication. When I was 15 and first hospitalised, taking medication for mental health was completely new to me. I was shocked. And now since the last nearly 7 years I have rattled like a walking pharmacy with all the different drugs I’ve been put on.

Anyway there isn’t a particular topic that I wanted to blog about. I guess this is just me using my blog as a space to vent, as apposed to occasional topic articles that other bloggers tend to prefer.

 I guess the last few days I’ve been feeling extra low and have had to take quite a bit of PRN medication  (medication on the side to be used as and when needed). I feel crap about my life my situation and crap about needing to take PRN. The nurses say it’s a good thing I am recognising when I am struggling and that it’s better for me to ask for PRN instead of letting things escalate and me being forced to take the medication anyway. But I’m constantly worried about being criticised for it.

I feel extremely empty and I can’t seem to focus on doing anything let alone do some colouring, watch TV episodes or anything. Every day is the same here. Meal times and cigarette slots break up the day (and groups, but I’m not allowrd to most of them yet ). I feel paralysed. There’s nothing to do here, no where to go. I’m not even allowed in my room until night time! There is also Ward round tomorrow which I am nervous about what to say. Luckily I’ll be 3rd on the list so I won’t have to wait too long. I still have not yet decided whether I want to stay or if I want to go. Lots of things on my mind. But anyway, I shall stop ranting for now and continue drinking my iced black coffee.

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