Update update update!

So I am aware it has been like nearly 6 months since I last posted. I just haven’t really been able to put what’s in my head into words lately, even when it comes to writing my own personal diary. But they recently found my laptop which I am now typing on (instead of posting on my phone like I usually do), so I thought that now would be a good time to write an update (if anyone actually cares, that is). Bear in mind also that I haven’t slept at all last night, not even a second, so if what I’m writing ends up in a jumble then please excuse me.

I am still an inpatient at the same personality disorder ward, still under section. However, quite a lot has changed circumstance wise for the better, but mentally I still don’t know where I’m at, and am unable to decipher whether I am actually in myself feeling any better or not.

For the past 2 months I’ve been off 1-1 observations which means I don’t have someone following me around all the time anymore and can finally shower and go to the toilet in peace! I am also eating my meals downstairs with the others with proper crockery when before all my food had to be sent up using plastic crockery due to risk of me smashing proper crockery to harm myself. I am also allowed out for 1 hour every day with a member of staff, and for 6 hours with my parents. And we are hopefully thinking about possible home leave soon.

When I first got taken off 1 to 1, I was filled with so much positivity about wanting a better life for myself etc. And I still do want that. But most days inside the depresssion still has such a strong hold over me making me want to just sleep all the time, not knowing what I want. Because it’s true – I don’t really have many long term goals because seeing even past the next day is hard for me. I wish so much that I could turn back time and make things different or cherish what I had before, but as we all know, that’s impossible.

My eyes are playing tricks on me with the computer screen, that’s the lack of sleep kicking in. So it’s probably a good time to stop. Apologies for the jumble and thank you to anyone who actually bothers to read this xxx

โ€‹Been 11 months in hospital now this time round since i got re sectioned ๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿ™ˆ 11 months no leave whatsoever. How have I survived?

Sorry I haven’t written for so long. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to post about, it’s more that I can’t get my jumbled up brain to work well enough to be able to put it into a decently formed blog post.

 Not feeling the most optimistic about the upcoming week. Theyll be taking me off my antidepressant completely from tomorrow and monitoring me for a week before starting a new antidepressant next week. So Im a bit nervous. But if anything, I just cant be bothered to go through another week. I’m not sleeping well either, which makes a change from oversleeping for the past few months.

On another note, I’ve been listening to Lorde quite a bit the last few days and I must say I am a fan of her music. Currently listening to one of her latest songs “Green Light” at the moment. I cannot believe she is only 20! She looks older – older than my 22 year old self anyway! 

Anyway it’s just gone 9pm in England and I was planning to attempt an early night so I shall bid you all farewell for now. Sending warmth love and strength to you all out there xxx

Just existing.

Hey everyone. I know I haven’t posted in a while due to not having anything worthy to post about but I guess this is my blog and I get to choose what is considered “worthy” of sharing right? I’ve been tempted to post about a few topics such as my eating disorder, a motivational bucket list of things I want to do once I get out of hospital etc but I haven’t gotten around to putting these things into words. I will most likely write about these things in the future as they are both important to me.


So anyway I had my manager’s hearing today. A manager’s hearing is a meeting that takes place whenever your section is up for renewal and it consists of 3 independent mental health professionals coming in to assess whether the patient should remain on section or not. At first I wasn’t going to go in but I saw my solicitor who persuaded me to go in. I told her that if discharge wasn’t possible, I would prefer to be transferred to a different hospital, and she said that the panel could make a recommendation for me to move. However in the end the panel just said that they were only here regarding my section, the rest wasn’t up to them. Long story short, I didn’t come off my sectioned. They still think I have a mental disorder etc. Which isn’t surprising but yknow.

I know I would most likely be criticised for writing about this online, but a lot of the reason that I want to leave is because I feel like no one understands me here. I don’t feel any sense of trust or connection with any of the team here compared to previous hospitals/placements. I miss some of the staff from my old places so much. I don’t feel like being here has helped me at all. All I am doing is existing. 

About a week ago, the psychologist said she recommended me starting the group DBT programme but in therapy yesterday she realised there were some parts of the routine I would not be able to keep myself safe i.e going to the dining room for lunch straight from group ( – I’m not allowed in the dining room due to stuff I can use in a risky way) and the possibility of risk items lying around the therapy room would be quite high. So now she wants to discuss my “risk” and challenge my “committment to treatment”. Here’s to say therapy isn’t my favourite past time at the moment!

Anyway it’s the end of the week so I shall stop moaning for now. Hopefully one day things may change for the better but for now, all I can do is exist and try to get through each day the best I can. 

Night time ramblings

Hello people! Having a sleepless night- I knew all these nights of going to sleep at 6-7pm (due to medication and just wanting to be asleep for most of the time possible) would catch up on me!

 Had therapy yesterday which was a bit intense but not too hard. I made sure to say “I’m not sure” too many times cause it admittedly  (on her account) frustrated her last time. She gave me a diary card as homework for the next week to complete every day- I have to rate a list of emotions separately between 0 to 5 (5 being the strongest). She has also given me instructions to practice mindful breathing exercises daily which will be a struggle to remember! I have ward round today, but they are starting from my end of the corridoor this week so I will be third luckily. Always better to get it over and done with I guess. 

Anyway the staff want me to try and to back to sleep so I shall stop now. In the process of downloading some mindfulness app they recommended – let’s see how that goes!

Therapy struggles: the joys!

Hey everybody! Long time no update. I haven’t really known what to write to be honest because of the whirlwind in my head. I cannot believe it is February already! Time passing tends to affect me quite badly as it is a constant reminder of how nothing is in our control. I’ve felt it even as I was growing up.

Things with my therapist aren’t going particularly well. My head pulls blanks on me and is very confusing at the moment, meaning I answer a lot of questions saying “I’m not sure” and telling her truthfully that my mind had gone blank. However she took it as me trying to avoid questions and using defence mechanisms when the truth was genuinely that I wasn’t sure! At the end of the session she admitted she was annoyed and frustrated and that in therapy you’re expected to work etc which made me feel bad because I wasn’t intentionally holding things back. She’s not like any of the other therapists I’ve had before, no therapist has ever gotten annoyed with me before. However she is a very experienced DBT psychologist with the title Dr before her name and has done DBT training with the woman wh0 invented DBT herself. She seems to get on with some of the other patients better than me, with a lot of jokes smiles and apparently even hugs. I have therapy again tomorrow which I can’t help but to dread.

My eating hasn’t been going great either. I keep binging and it’s really doing my head in. A week before my birthday I managed to not binge and I know I can do it again. It’s even harder stuck in here because I’m stuck in the same room every single day (the lounge, cause I’m not allowed in my room during the day due to apparent “risk”) with nothing to do. Hopefully it will get easier once I get leave and have more structure in my day. But that’s a long way off because they won’t even take me off 1 to 1 at the moment! Little steps I guess..

Sh** happens…

I am aware that my posts are pretty same-ish and I always write about the same things but there aren’t often a lot of changes that happen when you’re in a psych ward unless you’re doing really well and get to go out etc (which I haven’t reached yet) So if any of you have any suggestions on what you would like me to write about please comment below.

I have a lot of sadness inside me and reflections on the past that I would usually write about (especially with Facebook memories popping up 24/7) but at the moment it is too painful to even think about. So for now let’s focus on the here and now. 

I’ve been feeling kinda of crap and empty the last few days and I’m not entirely sure why. I have ward round pretty soon and I’m pretty nervous about it because a significant incident happened last week where I was rushed to hospital (hence my post title) and the consultant here likes to asks loads of questions. Every day here is the same and it’s all so mundane…

Being in hospital is not a novelty!!

This topic came to my mind purely after thinking to myself “being here sucks. Being in hospital sucks (this one more than others, admittedly)

It annoys me how some people romanticise being in hospital. Of course it’s nothing to be ashamed of either. But it’s not a competition. There has been so much competition I have witnessed during my time in services. A sectioned patient isn’t superior to an informal patient and often doesn’t always mean they are more ill.  Being ill in itself isn’t a novelty, unless you count agonising mental pain as a trophy.

I should know this because I’ve spent quite a lot of my time in hospitals since I was 15 (all my time since then either in hospital or care homes) and it really doesn’t get easier. Is this the way anyone would choose to spend the last of their teenage years and early 20’s? Anyway, rant over. Sorry for the unstructured outburst.

It’s ย my birthday on Wednesday!

…And I don’t feel 22 at all! I can’t believe how quick the time is going and the years are passing.  It saddens me a lot really because I feel like I’m getting older with nothing to show for. It will also be my first birthday since I was 17 (my last sober birthday)!! 

I really need to sort myself out this year. I am not looking after myself physically and I spend all my time in pyjamas. Sure, it may be understandable since I am in hospital but it doesn’t make it an excuse! I am also not eating healthily and binging which makes me loathe myself more and contributes to me not wanting to get dressed cause of the phobia of my clothes getting tight. I’m  a mess, physically as well as emotionally. But I know enough is enough and hopefully I will continue with this motivation.

I got a new tablet for my birthday from my parents but I’m not allowed to open it till my birthday. I feel guilty and materialistic but surely everyone is allowed nice things? 

Anyway I will probably spend the day playing games on my phone and pokemon on my DS – I kinda gave up on it but I must persevere! Hope you are all having a good weekend so far! 

My first Christmas in hospital since I was 17…

Hey everyone. I haven’t posted much because there hasn’t been much change in how I have been or how the unit has been. As the title states, this was my first Christmas in hospital since 2011 (the rest since being in care homes). Christmas is a difficult time of year for a lot of people especially when there is so much pressure to be cheerful.

So the majority of patients went on leave for Christmas. A few of them even went on leave for over 2 weeks and are due back next week! So it was only myself and 2 other patients who were here on Christmas day. 

It wasn’t too bad considering it was in hospital. We watched the new Tarzan movie downstairs on the big projector, opened gifts from the hospital  (they asked us what we wanted in a 10 pound budget so I  asked for slippers). My parents then came in the afternoon and stayed until evening which was really lovely. It’s been the first Christmas day that I’ve spent with them since I was 15 because previously they have come to see me on boxing day instead.

Oh, and it’s my birthday on the 11th January! I am soo not ready to be 22!! I am getting a nice Samsung tablet for my birthday though so I can sync it with my Samsung phone.

The last few days after Christmas have been extremely difficult though, a lot of sh** went down but I’m a survivor. The situation is still pretty difficult and I’ve had to make pretty big scary decisions but I’m trying not to think too much about it or else I will end up playing a thousand different scenarios round and round in my head.

It is also my professionals meeting on the 4th January. In this meeting, I will be asked again if I would like to stay or go somewhere else. Over the last 6 weeks I have gone from being on the fence, to being adamant about leaving, and now being on the fence again. Honestly speaking, due to what my care coordinator has told me (who will also be in the meeting), it would be hard to find a place for me to go even if I protested to leave. I think I will still request to leave in case this is my last chance to back out, because once I make a commitment , that’s it.

But anyway that’s enough about my life for now. Has anyone got any new year’s resolutions ? If you do, feel free to comment below ๐Ÿ™‚

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