Poem “It’s okay” (for World Mental Health day)

Found a poem I wrote last year that I thought could relate to world mental health day so I thought I would share it with you guys. 
 
It’s okay to break down sometimes
And admit that youre struggling to breathe.
Its okay to cry, to scream, to shout
To the point you’re about to heave
 
You’re desperate, sad and can’t cope with the pain
Your heart aches in it’s empty shell.
You feel helpless yet you feel you’re at fault.
But its okay to accept you’re not well.
 
It’s okay to admit how scared you are
That you’d rather let yourself rot, than live.
“Be brave” they say, but we all know
How terrifying life truly is.
 
Acceptance doesn’t mean that you’re giving up,
Its only natural to be sick of the pain.
But be kind to yourself the way you are,
Even if you want to change.
 
So cry if you must til your eyes dry out
When you’re ready, you’ll face the day.
It may be a while, even weeks from now
But the burden will lift someday.
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Back at the ward…

It sucks. I didn’t want to come back but hey ho. Hopefully I can go home again soon. The consultant doesn’t want me going every week because he doesn’t want to “rush” things but I just want to spend as least time in this hospital as I possibly can. So I hopefully can go again in 2 weeks fingers crossed.

Hope you’re all okay.

Coming home – Reflections.

Firstly, excuse the horrible photo of myself I took this morning – I had another completely sleepless night last night.

But anyway, I had family therapy this morning at 10 and am now at home overnight until tomorrow, which is a huge achievement since I hadn’t been home even just for a visit for over 5 years – when I was 17. I’ve been really excited about going home since it was planned over a week ago.

At the moment I’m sitting in the conservatory with my mum. I’m trying to figure out the intense ball of feelings that have arisen. It’s nice to be home, everything is the way I imagined it to be – but I can’t help feel nostalgic over past memories and wishing I could turn back time to when I was last living here. Also, I am absolutely dreading having to go back to the ward tomorrow afternoon.

It’s been nice so far, playing with my cats, chatting with my parents and just chilling really. The lack of sleep hasn’t really helped my mood though. But anyway, I shall stop here for now. Thanks for anyone who bothers reading my burble of senseless crap!

Update update update!

So I am aware it has been like nearly 6 months since I last posted. I just haven’t really been able to put what’s in my head into words lately, even when it comes to writing my own personal diary. But they recently found my laptop which I am now typing on (instead of posting on my phone like I usually do), so I thought that now would be a good time to write an update (if anyone actually cares, that is). Bear in mind also that I haven’t slept at all last night, not even a second, so if what I’m writing ends up in a jumble then please excuse me.

I am still an inpatient at the same personality disorder ward, still under section. However, quite a lot has changed circumstance wise for the better, but mentally I still don’t know where I’m at, and am unable to decipher whether I am actually in myself feeling any better or not.

For the past 2 months I’ve been off 1-1 observations which means I don’t have someone following me around all the time anymore and can finally shower and go to the toilet in peace! I am also eating my meals downstairs with the others with proper crockery when before all my food had to be sent up using plastic crockery due to risk of me smashing proper crockery to harm myself. I am also allowed out for 1 hour every day with a member of staff, and for 6 hours with my parents. And we are hopefully thinking about possible home leave soon.

When I first got taken off 1 to 1, I was filled with so much positivity about wanting a better life for myself etc. And I still do want that. But most days inside the depresssion still has such a strong hold over me making me want to just sleep all the time, not knowing what I want. Because it’s true – I don’t really have many long term goals because seeing even past the next day is hard for me. I wish so much that I could turn back time and make things different or cherish what I had before, but as we all know, that’s impossible.

My eyes are playing tricks on me with the computer screen, that’s the lack of sleep kicking in. So it’s probably a good time to stop. Apologies for the jumble and thank you to anyone who actually bothers to read this xxx

​Been 11 months in hospital now this time round since i got re sectioned 🙈🙈🙈 11 months no leave whatsoever. How have I survived?

Sorry I haven’t written for so long. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to post about, it’s more that I can’t get my jumbled up brain to work well enough to be able to put it into a decently formed blog post.

 Not feeling the most optimistic about the upcoming week. Theyll be taking me off my antidepressant completely from tomorrow and monitoring me for a week before starting a new antidepressant next week. So Im a bit nervous. But if anything, I just cant be bothered to go through another week. I’m not sleeping well either, which makes a change from oversleeping for the past few months.

On another note, I’ve been listening to Lorde quite a bit the last few days and I must say I am a fan of her music. Currently listening to one of her latest songs “Green Light” at the moment. I cannot believe she is only 20! She looks older – older than my 22 year old self anyway! 

Anyway it’s just gone 9pm in England and I was planning to attempt an early night so I shall bid you all farewell for now. Sending warmth love and strength to you all out there xxx

Just existing.

Hey everyone. I know I haven’t posted in a while due to not having anything worthy to post about but I guess this is my blog and I get to choose what is considered “worthy” of sharing right? I’ve been tempted to post about a few topics such as my eating disorder, a motivational bucket list of things I want to do once I get out of hospital etc but I haven’t gotten around to putting these things into words. I will most likely write about these things in the future as they are both important to me.


So anyway I had my manager’s hearing today. A manager’s hearing is a meeting that takes place whenever your section is up for renewal and it consists of 3 independent mental health professionals coming in to assess whether the patient should remain on section or not. At first I wasn’t going to go in but I saw my solicitor who persuaded me to go in. I told her that if discharge wasn’t possible, I would prefer to be transferred to a different hospital, and she said that the panel could make a recommendation for me to move. However in the end the panel just said that they were only here regarding my section, the rest wasn’t up to them. Long story short, I didn’t come off my sectioned. They still think I have a mental disorder etc. Which isn’t surprising but yknow.

I know I would most likely be criticised for writing about this online, but a lot of the reason that I want to leave is because I feel like no one understands me here. I don’t feel any sense of trust or connection with any of the team here compared to previous hospitals/placements. I miss some of the staff from my old places so much. I don’t feel like being here has helped me at all. All I am doing is existing. 

About a week ago, the psychologist said she recommended me starting the group DBT programme but in therapy yesterday she realised there were some parts of the routine I would not be able to keep myself safe i.e going to the dining room for lunch straight from group ( – I’m not allowed in the dining room due to stuff I can use in a risky way) and the possibility of risk items lying around the therapy room would be quite high. So now she wants to discuss my “risk” and challenge my “committment to treatment”. Here’s to say therapy isn’t my favourite past time at the moment!

Anyway it’s the end of the week so I shall stop moaning for now. Hopefully one day things may change for the better but for now, all I can do is exist and try to get through each day the best I can. 

Night time ramblings

Hello people! Having a sleepless night- I knew all these nights of going to sleep at 6-7pm (due to medication and just wanting to be asleep for most of the time possible) would catch up on me!

 Had therapy yesterday which was a bit intense but not too hard. I made sure to say “I’m not sure” too many times cause it admittedly  (on her account) frustrated her last time. She gave me a diary card as homework for the next week to complete every day- I have to rate a list of emotions separately between 0 to 5 (5 being the strongest). She has also given me instructions to practice mindful breathing exercises daily which will be a struggle to remember! I have ward round today, but they are starting from my end of the corridoor this week so I will be third luckily. Always better to get it over and done with I guess. 

Anyway the staff want me to try and to back to sleep so I shall stop now. In the process of downloading some mindfulness app they recommended – let’s see how that goes!

Therapy struggles: the joys!

Hey everybody! Long time no update. I haven’t really known what to write to be honest because of the whirlwind in my head. I cannot believe it is February already! Time passing tends to affect me quite badly as it is a constant reminder of how nothing is in our control. I’ve felt it even as I was growing up.

Things with my therapist aren’t going particularly well. My head pulls blanks on me and is very confusing at the moment, meaning I answer a lot of questions saying “I’m not sure” and telling her truthfully that my mind had gone blank. However she took it as me trying to avoid questions and using defence mechanisms when the truth was genuinely that I wasn’t sure! At the end of the session she admitted she was annoyed and frustrated and that in therapy you’re expected to work etc which made me feel bad because I wasn’t intentionally holding things back. She’s not like any of the other therapists I’ve had before, no therapist has ever gotten annoyed with me before. However she is a very experienced DBT psychologist with the title Dr before her name and has done DBT training with the woman wh0 invented DBT herself. She seems to get on with some of the other patients better than me, with a lot of jokes smiles and apparently even hugs. I have therapy again tomorrow which I can’t help but to dread.

My eating hasn’t been going great either. I keep binging and it’s really doing my head in. A week before my birthday I managed to not binge and I know I can do it again. It’s even harder stuck in here because I’m stuck in the same room every single day (the lounge, cause I’m not allowed in my room during the day due to apparent “risk”) with nothing to do. Hopefully it will get easier once I get leave and have more structure in my day. But that’s a long way off because they won’t even take me off 1 to 1 at the moment! Little steps I guess..

Sh** happens…

I am aware that my posts are pretty same-ish and I always write about the same things but there aren’t often a lot of changes that happen when you’re in a psych ward unless you’re doing really well and get to go out etc (which I haven’t reached yet) So if any of you have any suggestions on what you would like me to write about please comment below.

I have a lot of sadness inside me and reflections on the past that I would usually write about (especially with Facebook memories popping up 24/7) but at the moment it is too painful to even think about. So for now let’s focus on the here and now. 

I’ve been feeling kinda of crap and empty the last few days and I’m not entirely sure why. I have ward round pretty soon and I’m pretty nervous about it because a significant incident happened last week where I was rushed to hospital (hence my post title) and the consultant here likes to asks loads of questions. Every day here is the same and it’s all so mundane…

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