Being in hospital is not a novelty!!

This topic came to my mind purely after thinking to myself “being here sucks. Being in hospital sucks (this one more than others, admittedly)

It annoys me how some people romanticise being in hospital. Of course it’s nothing to be ashamed of either. But it’s not a competition. There has been so much competition I have witnessed during my time in services. A sectioned patient isn’t superior to an informal patient and often doesn’t always mean they are more ill.  Being ill in itself isn’t a novelty, unless you count agonising mental pain as a trophy.

I should know this because I’ve spent quite a lot of my time in hospitals since I was 15 (all my time since then either in hospital or care homes) and it really doesn’t get easier. Is this the way anyone would choose to spend the last of their teenage years and early 20’s? Anyway, rant over. Sorry for the unstructured outburst.


My CPA outcomes

​Hey guys hope you’re ok. Had my CPA which was a slight anticlimax to say the least. Also, it turns out that for now, I’m staying, which I have a lot of mixed feelings about. There will also be a meeting on the 4th January and by then they will expect (and be disappointed) a lot more progress regarding certain behaviours and compulsions. I managed to clarify a few other things too. I brought up the fact I feel staff don’t like me because of my self destructive episodes are “inconvenient”, and the consultant said it was more upsetting to witness than anything else, which I hadn’t thought of before.

 Even though it’s only a few weeks away, I don’t know how I feel about spending Christmas here… But it looks like either way I’d be spending Christmas in hospital whether it’s here or somewhere else. 

Anyway I am going to try and make the most of the rest of the day (even if it does just mean sitting with the others listening to my music) and forget about it. Maybe if I try hard enough, I’ll be able to forget, just for a little bit, that I’m in hospital. I wish.

30 day blog challenge – Day 21 – What makes you sad

Oh wow this is a huge question. So many things make me sad but I will try and narrow it down. 

The main thing that saddens me is human nature. The way we are so destructive and self destructive. We hurt ourselves and each other, emotionally and physically, and the worst part is we don’t even mean to half the time, it’s just the way we are. Even the nicest person in the world can hurt someone without realising it. There are so many invalidating things we say to one another which feeds into the belief that we cannot trust another person. But maybe this is just my pessimistic perception. I’m not sure if I’ve made any sense or not.

Also, although I love my parents, I have never had the type of relationship with them where I can emotionally rely on them (not by any fault of theirs) and it’s really hard because I wish I had an adult figure to run to who could be strong dor me. That makes me sad, especially the fact that my wishes can’t be met. I still feel like I am a little girl, but in reality I am 21, an adult, and no one would really feel the need to look after me. 

The worst part about bedtime…

Some people find night time difficult for a variety of reasons. However, other people might cherish night times as a way of relaxing and unwinding at the end of another day.  Or some would feel pure relief at being able to go to bed. But for me, anxiety builds approaching bedtime. Purely because the sooner you go to bed, the sooner you wake up to another day, having to do it all over again. The same inner torment, fight or flight mode, the same haunting fears…

I guess the reason why this subject has become a bit more prominent in my mind is because the increase in my medication is making me feel more tired especially early evenings. Hence earlier bedtime.
I’m really trying to challenge these fears because there is absolutely no point in worrying about how things will be tomorrow before today is even finished. It’s a waste. Yet our minds make it impossible to be rational. I have a lot of quotes saved on my phone, about how we should enjoy the present moment, not to let tomorrow’s worries take away today’s joy etc. Even a verse from the New Testament “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself.”

It’s hard but I really am trying to stay grounded in the present moment. As a Christian, I visualise myself putting my worries in God’s hands, and I believe that He is in control of tomorrow, and who knows what good might happen.

Hope this has made at least some sense. I shall now resume lying on the beanbags in the corner of the lounge for now. 

Chaotic and ever changing states of mind.

I am so exhausted purely from the chaos in my mind. I shall try and explain some of my experiences in my head – mainly 2 very different states of mind.

State a) I will have a few days where I am almost “hyperactive”. The pain is still there just as much as ever but accompanied by this euphoric discomfort that stops me from sleeping. (And no, I do not class it as “discomfort” just because I am not “used to feeling good/happy” – this is   entirely different.) My heart beats so fast, I have to be doing something, all the time yet the emptiness still remains. I have little to no appetite and I am extremely impulsive. 

Then there is state b). I am extremely low in mood and I cannot bring myself to do anything. Whereas I was restless before, this time nothing can distract me from the emptiness eating me inside. I am lethargic. Definitely full of more thought through, dark ideas and unspoken emotions, and maybe a bit less impulsive.

And then of course there’s the transition between one to the other. I can switch from state b) to a) in minutes, overnight but let me tell you, the transition from a) to b) is absolutely  horrific. 

These are only two of my billions of patterns and mind states, and I’m sure this is normal for everyone, it has been explained to me that people with my diagnosis feel these type of cycles in a much more extreme way. For us it it takes longer to get back to middle ground (which, for me, never happens).

I don’t think there is a way to make it stop but all that can be asked is how to manage them and challenge thoughts and behaviours accompanied to make these processes more bearable and also less impacting on our daily lives.

Anyway, there is currently a colouring and listening to music session with 2 other lovely patients, hosted in my room so Imma go now. Thanks for reading.

“We’re not angry at you, just frustrated.”

I’ve heard this phrase so much over the years and so frequently. It’s very hard to distinguish the difference in meaning of these two words and often I have just thought that it meant the same thing anyway. But I am learning that although these emotions can sometimes be similar, there is a huge difference- the situation, context in which they are used and the difference between the things that are causing the anger or frustration.

In my life, these emotions arise in others when I am in a crisis and behaving in self destructive ways. Often, the professionals (or on the rare occssion, people from my interpresonal life) viewing the situation and having to “deal” with it tend to come across as abrupt and could very easily be portrayed as anger, due to the words they use, and the mannerism.

So I have asked this question so many times. “Are you angry at me?” 

Lately instead of making assumptions that these two words are the same, I have begun to ask them to explain what they actually mean. 

Now I understand (despite the thoughts in my head telling me otherwise) that it’s not me as a person they are frustrated at; it’s the situation – not knowing how to help, not sure what to understand yet wanting to, not being able to get through to me because my barriers are so so high, not seeing any outward progress, and many more factors. Of course, having to clean up and potentially putting themselves in dangerous or physically draining situations isn’t pleasant either.

It brings me back to a couple of months ago when I was moved from my last acute ward to a PICU due to my behaviours becoming unmanageable. I had developed such good therapeutic relationships with them and it was heartbreaking. Interestingly enough, I was explained to by various authority figures including the ward manager and consultant, that one of the main reasons of me being deemed unmanageable was because witnessing me being in so much distress and having to intervene on a daily basis was affecting the staff team’s emotional ability to cope and work, especially after getting to know me so well. I was shocked, and it reminds me that professionals are human beings too. This in itself is another example of frustration. Although I had to be moved, this particular acute ward tried their utmost to avoid me having to be moved to the PICU, and for that intention, I am grateful.

I hope this post has helped some of you who are in similar situations; finding it difficult to understand the meanings and reasons behind anger and frustration. Remember that their emotions belong to them, and it is not a reflection of you.

Motives: Could anyone truly care?

​​​Before I begin, this post is mainly just me completely overthinking an unexpected situation where someone is bothering to make an effort with me when they don’t actually have any obligation to whatsoever, and why I reacted the way I have. I thought I’d write and share this with you guys and hopefully make sense to myself as to how and why we view a situations like this a certain way. I shall begin to explain.

So the ward manager – I shall refer to her as “Jane Doe”, from one of my previous acute wards (we had a really strong relationship – she was like my rock) called the ward manager here and said she wanted to write me a letter, and then come to see me. She also mentioned that it was in her ward that I sustained a significant wound that I still currently have.

 So long story short, I misinterpreted the ward manager here by thinking she was coming all this way to see me only about wound, and I burst into unexpected tears and said “don’t bother!” The consultant said “Maybe you need to realise that you are important to people.” To which I then said “If she really thought I was important then she would be coming to see me, not just for my wound.” But turns out that Jane Doe ‘s original intentions of visiting wasn’t related to my wound anyway – she was  coming to see me for me, so although I was still baffled, I calmed down. The ward manager here gave me a hug, told me to keep my heart open and told me not to push people away. I really need to work on my interpersonal relationship skills. 

I guess it’s quite confusing because I move around so much and meet so many different people, form relationships, yet only to be ripped apart from them again. And when they unexpectedly walk back into our lives, it can really throw you.
 My move from the acute ward where Jane Doe managed, to the second acute ward was totally sudden and unexpected move. The decision was made by the “higher up” managers of the trust for a very unnecessary reason. Basically the two wards are in the same town, but the second ward was based for people from the town I am from, whilst the first ward is for patients in the same vicinity. The move was out of the consultant’s and Jane Doe’s control. I ended up in general hospital for a week literally as soon as I transferred wards and Jane Doe visited me there and again when I was discharged from general hospital, as a form of closure. There were hugs, and Jane Doe made a joke saying I should relocate to town so I could go back to her ward. I showed her around the ward, chatted for at least an hour. She said she’d be thinking of me, then handed over important information to the staff as to how they managed me on her ward, and that was it.
 So it is only natural for me to wonder about her motive of taking at least a 2 hour drive to see me again, when she no longer has any obligation or duty of care ties with me.
It is interesting how my my main emotion is complete surprise, more than feeling cared for. I think a lot of people can relate to the feeling, especially those with low self esteem, and those who have little to none experience of people caring for them unconditionally without having an ulterior motive.
 However, although I am nervous, I am going to embrace it as a positive thing and keep an open mind. For anyone who has bothered to read my ramblings – thank you, and I hope that my writing has at least made some sense. 

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