Update update update!

So I am aware it has been like nearly 6 months since I last posted. I just haven’t really been able to put what’s in my head into words lately, even when it comes to writing my own personal diary. But they recently found my laptop which I am now typing on (instead of posting on my phone like I usually do), so I thought that now would be a good time to write an update (if anyone actually cares, that is). Bear in mind also that I haven’t slept at all last night, not even a second, so if what I’m writing ends up in a jumble then please excuse me.

I am still an inpatient at the same personality disorder ward, still under section. However, quite a lot has changed circumstance wise for the better, but mentally I still don’t know where I’m at, and am unable to decipher whether I am actually in myself feeling any better or not.

For the past 2 months I’ve been off 1-1 observations which means I don’t have someone following me around all the time anymore and can finally shower and go to the toilet in peace! I am also eating my meals downstairs with the others with proper crockery when before all my food had to be sent up using plastic crockery due to risk of me smashing proper crockery to harm myself. I am also allowed out for 1 hour every day with a member of staff, and for 6 hours with my parents. And we are hopefully thinking about possible home leave soon.

When I first got taken off 1 to 1, I was filled with so much positivity about wanting a better life for myself etc. And I still do want that. But most days inside the depresssion still has such a strong hold over me making me want to just sleep all the time, not knowing what I want. Because it’s true – I don’t really have many long term goals because seeing even past the next day is hard for me. I wish so much that I could turn back time and make things different or cherish what I had before, but as we all know, that’s impossible.

My eyes are playing tricks on me with the computer screen, that’s the lack of sleep kicking in. So it’s probably a good time to stop. Apologies for the jumble and thank you to anyone who actually bothers to read this xxx


Therapy struggles: the joys!

Hey everybody! Long time no update. I haven’t really known what to write to be honest because of the whirlwind in my head. I cannot believe it is February already! Time passing tends to affect me quite badly as it is a constant reminder of how nothing is in our control. I’ve felt it even as I was growing up.

Things with my therapist aren’t going particularly well. My head pulls blanks on me and is very confusing at the moment, meaning I answer a lot of questions saying “I’m not sure” and telling her truthfully that my mind had gone blank. However she took it as me trying to avoid questions and using defence mechanisms when the truth was genuinely that I wasn’t sure! At the end of the session she admitted she was annoyed and frustrated and that in therapy you’re expected to work etc which made me feel bad because I wasn’t intentionally holding things back. She’s not like any of the other therapists I’ve had before, no therapist has ever gotten annoyed with me before. However she is a very experienced DBT psychologist with the title Dr before her name and has done DBT training with the woman wh0 invented DBT herself. She seems to get on with some of the other patients better than me, with a lot of jokes smiles and apparently even hugs. I have therapy again tomorrow which I can’t help but to dread.

My eating hasn’t been going great either. I keep binging and it’s really doing my head in. A week before my birthday I managed to not binge and I know I can do it again. It’s even harder stuck in here because I’m stuck in the same room every single day (the lounge, cause I’m not allowed in my room during the day due to apparent “risk”) with nothing to do. Hopefully it will get easier once I get leave and have more structure in my day. But that’s a long way off because they won’t even take me off 1 to 1 at the moment! Little steps I guess..

Sh** happens…

I am aware that my posts are pretty same-ish and I always write about the same things but there aren’t often a lot of changes that happen when you’re in a psych ward unless you’re doing really well and get to go out etc (which I haven’t reached yet) So if any of you have any suggestions on what you would like me to write about please comment below.

I have a lot of sadness inside me and reflections on the past that I would usually write about (especially with Facebook memories popping up 24/7) but at the moment it is too painful to even think about. So for now let’s focus on the here and now. 

I’ve been feeling kinda of crap and empty the last few days and I’m not entirely sure why. I have ward round pretty soon and I’m pretty nervous about it because a significant incident happened last week where I was rushed to hospital (hence my post title) and the consultant here likes to asks loads of questions. Every day here is the same and it’s all so mundane…

I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22! (Or not)

I walked into the lounge and 22 by Taylor Swift came on right away – must be fate!   It doesn’t really feel like a birthday – I still feel like I’m 17! But remember one of the latest posts I wrote about needing to take more care of myself? I managed to have a shower yesterday and did my makeup. The other girls all put some money in to get me a birthday present- a cute pair of pyjamas and socks which I am wearing now. Later on we are going to order a takeaway using spare cash the unit has.

However it is also ward round today and I regret agreeing to come into my ward round as it was horrifically stressful  (apart them all singing happy birthday to me when I walked in at first- cringe!). They’re trying to pressure me into not doing things I’m not ready to stop which is hard for me. But apart from writing about it now I have decided not to dwell on it as it won’t help matters.

On a positive,  In the last 7 days I have only binged properly twice which is huge achievement for me! And it hasn’t all been a struggle- it feels like second nature to me now. Have to be weighed tomorrow morning though which I’m sure will send me off the edge. But anyway! Enough negativity!

I’m going to spend the rest of the day chilling out whether it just means continuing reading the Fault In Our Stars on my new tablet or chatting with the other girls.

It’s  my birthday on Wednesday!

…And I don’t feel 22 at all! I can’t believe how quick the time is going and the years are passing.  It saddens me a lot really because I feel like I’m getting older with nothing to show for. It will also be my first birthday since I was 17 (my last sober birthday)!! 

I really need to sort myself out this year. I am not looking after myself physically and I spend all my time in pyjamas. Sure, it may be understandable since I am in hospital but it doesn’t make it an excuse! I am also not eating healthily and binging which makes me loathe myself more and contributes to me not wanting to get dressed cause of the phobia of my clothes getting tight. I’m  a mess, physically as well as emotionally. But I know enough is enough and hopefully I will continue with this motivation.

I got a new tablet for my birthday from my parents but I’m not allowed to open it till my birthday. I feel guilty and materialistic but surely everyone is allowed nice things? 

Anyway I will probably spend the day playing games on my phone and pokemon on my DS – I kinda gave up on it but I must persevere! Hope you are all having a good weekend so far! 

It’s Christmas week!

Hi everyone hope you are all having a good week, especially since Christmas is only a few sleeps away! I know a lot of people find Christmas a really hard time of the year (myself including sorta) so for those of you who do struggle with it, I hope it isn’t too hard.

Christmas week on the ward isn’t much different. There aren’t as many groups because the people who do some of the groups (like the social worker who does a “Healthy relationships” group) are on holiday (can’t say I’m gutted about that haha). Normally DBT runs for 3 hours once a week (I haven’t started the course yet) but the psychologist is off too. We do have a Christmas tree but it looks pretty sad because we aren’t allowed any lights. There is tinsel hanging around the ward to try and make it look festive.

For me personally, I am just going with the flow. I’m not too fussed this year about Christmas or finding it too hard. I’m not getting gifts for anyone this year because my bank account is screwed (long story) which my friends understand but I will get them as soon as my bank account is sorted out. My parents will be coming to visit on Christmas day so it will be good to spend the day with them, even if I am stuck here. It will be the first Christmas I’ve spent with my family for quite a few years now – they haven’t visited me before on Christmas day itself, usually boxing day.

Me, being my superficial self, I’m still annoyed at hermes delivery because they keep delaying delivering my parcel. The tracking keeps saying “delayed due to external factors”. I can’t wait to get my Pokemon Moon game! I’ve literally spent the first part of the week going “is there any post for me yet?” and most likely have driven the staff up the wall! Hoping it will come today – 2 days late!

Anyway like I said I hope you all have a good Christmas, or the best one that you possibly can! Thanks to all my followers who have read my posts etc. Bye for now!



Ward round – 26/10/2016

So today my ward round only finished at around 4.15pm ish as I was one of the last ones on the list. I am still a bit emotional so I will try to find my bearings before I type too much.

  • Firstly, I didn’t even get lectured about why behaviours are bad bla bla bla whoch was a nice surprise. But apparently I am being more open than I have been in the past few meetings.
  • Because I am refusing my oral clopixol tablets because they arent helping, they are starting me on a clopixol depo injection once a week so its slow acting in my system so hopefully that should help more. They are starting it on a low dose so hopefully it won’t knock me out.
  • A lot of things were discussed, the consultant likes to analyse how I interact with the people in the room but I won’t go into that.
  • They mentioned a concern about how much pepsi max I drink and the consultant said I need to come to a negotiation with the ward manager about the amount I drink, as it could be related to my eating disorder. Not looking forward to that conversation.
  • But all for all, it wasn’t too bad a ward round. No lectures is always a good outcome.

Right, they’ve found the clopixol depot and theyre going to give it to me now so bye for now and thank you anyone who has bothered to read this.

The evening before ward round

Instead of writing about ward round itself like in my previous post, I’m just going to write about this evening.

I struggle with keeping myself busy so I decided to sit in the lounge with some of the other girls (whilst still working on my blog) and we chilled out listened to music etc. which was really nice. We also did some scrapbooking together. One of the patients even put an adorable facebook status up saying she was enjoying our campany (- Ive posted the screenshot as the header for this post).

Normally for the past few weeks id have been asleep by now (cause they started me on Clopixol) but they ran out of Clopixol in the afternoon so I missed one dose. Its good that i feel back to my usual self (- aka going to bed midnight ish) but at the same time not good because waking up for meds at 7.30 will not be pleasant at all especially if I’ve stayed up! Then due to not enough hours of sleep (for me anyway ) I’ll probs end up napping which isnt great cos I wake up in a worse mood that I was in before.

Had some prn earlier to help me settle before bed so I will try to sleep again shortly.

2016 – An update of events ’til now

So in order for me to post updates about things happening in the present, I should write a little bit of my background first – what has happened this year up to now, so my future posts should make sense, carrying on from this post. ( I will at some point write “my story” going back years and years but not today.)

I was living in a kind of rehabilitation care home type place for mental health from Oct 2015 – May 2016. I moved there from yet another care home, which i will write about another time. There are always 2 nurses on shift but the “residents” were expected to just do everything by themselves promoting independence – buying and cooking your own food etc. Except me. I have been on 1 to 1 observations (yep, you never get used to having someone with you 24/7 *facepalm*) for years now, so I was the only residential there that needed that kind of support. I was in and out of general hospital a lot for self harm and in April there was a new manager who wanted me out, and they called for a mental health assessment and I have been in different hospitals since.

I firstly was moved to a local PICU, then to an adult acute ward closer to my home area. Then randomly i was moved to another acute ward in the same area mid July. The plan from the start was always to get me moved to a specialist personality disorder ward (which is where I am now, but Ill come back to that). But I was on the waiting list for a long time. I developed good therapeutic relationships with a few nurses and ward manager in my first acute ward (who is coming to visit me here) and the consultant in my 2nd acute ward is the best most understanding nicest psychiatrist Ive ever met. I was also there for 2 months and although it was only a matter of weeks before I was to be moved to the PD ward, they couldnt manage me so they sent me to a PICU (psychiatric intensive care unit). And after 2 weeks of being there, a few beds at the PD ward become free, so here I am.

This is the first personality disorder ward I have ever been to and Ive been here for exactly 3 weeks. Its specific to borderline/emotionally unstable personality disorder and is DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy). The ward is more homely than the acute ones, the staff are mainly nice. There is a lot more structure here than in non specialist wards which in my opinion is a good thing as long as its not forced (luckily this isnt one of those places where they lock your rooms or take your phones away). We have meds at 7.30, breakfast at 8.30, planning meeting at 9 and groups than run throughout the week. At the moment I am not allowed downstairs to at least 50% of the groups due to me not being trusted around “risk items” (aka smashable things) I could use to hurt myself. But if you miss more than 10 groups or individual therapy in a certain amount of time then you get “kicked out.” Ive had 2 sessions of individual therapy so far but at the moment its just introductory level.
They really struggled to manage me when i first came here (I get restrained a lot), and are still struggling now. They keep threatening to move me back to PICU but their threats are different every time and they keep changing their minds drastically.

I keep myself busy mainly by colouring, scrapbooking, playing games and using social media. Things are unbearably tough but hoping that it won’t stay this way forever.

Thank you to everyone who’s bothered to read this.

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