Being in hospital is not a novelty!!

This topic came to my mind purely after thinking to myself “being here sucks. Being in hospital sucks (this one more than others, admittedly)

It annoys me how some people romanticise being in hospital. Of course it’s nothing to be ashamed of either. But it’s not a competition. There has been so much competition I have witnessed during my time in services. A sectioned patient isn’t superior to an informal patient and often doesn’t always mean they are more ill.  Being ill in itself isn’t a novelty, unless you count agonising mental pain as a trophy.

I should know this because I’ve spent quite a lot of my time in hospitals since I was 15 (all my time since then either in hospital or care homes) and it really doesn’t get easier. Is this the way anyone would choose to spend the last of their teenage years and early 20’s? Anyway, rant over. Sorry for the unstructured outburst.

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It’s  my birthday on Wednesday!

…And I don’t feel 22 at all! I can’t believe how quick the time is going and the years are passing.  It saddens me a lot really because I feel like I’m getting older with nothing to show for. It will also be my first birthday since I was 17 (my last sober birthday)!! 

I really need to sort myself out this year. I am not looking after myself physically and I spend all my time in pyjamas. Sure, it may be understandable since I am in hospital but it doesn’t make it an excuse! I am also not eating healthily and binging which makes me loathe myself more and contributes to me not wanting to get dressed cause of the phobia of my clothes getting tight. I’m  a mess, physically as well as emotionally. But I know enough is enough and hopefully I will continue with this motivation.

I got a new tablet for my birthday from my parents but I’m not allowed to open it till my birthday. I feel guilty and materialistic but surely everyone is allowed nice things? 

Anyway I will probably spend the day playing games on my phone and pokemon on my DS – I kinda gave up on it but I must persevere! Hope you are all having a good weekend so far! 

My first Christmas in hospital since I was 17…

Hey everyone. I haven’t posted much because there hasn’t been much change in how I have been or how the unit has been. As the title states, this was my first Christmas in hospital since 2011 (the rest since being in care homes). Christmas is a difficult time of year for a lot of people especially when there is so much pressure to be cheerful.

So the majority of patients went on leave for Christmas. A few of them even went on leave for over 2 weeks and are due back next week! So it was only myself and 2 other patients who were here on Christmas day. 

It wasn’t too bad considering it was in hospital. We watched the new Tarzan movie downstairs on the big projector, opened gifts from the hospital  (they asked us what we wanted in a 10 pound budget so I  asked for slippers). My parents then came in the afternoon and stayed until evening which was really lovely. It’s been the first Christmas day that I’ve spent with them since I was 15 because previously they have come to see me on boxing day instead.

Oh, and it’s my birthday on the 11th January! I am soo not ready to be 22!! I am getting a nice Samsung tablet for my birthday though so I can sync it with my Samsung phone.

The last few days after Christmas have been extremely difficult though, a lot of sh** went down but I’m a survivor. The situation is still pretty difficult and I’ve had to make pretty big scary decisions but I’m trying not to think too much about it or else I will end up playing a thousand different scenarios round and round in my head.

It is also my professionals meeting on the 4th January. In this meeting, I will be asked again if I would like to stay or go somewhere else. Over the last 6 weeks I have gone from being on the fence, to being adamant about leaving, and now being on the fence again. Honestly speaking, due to what my care coordinator has told me (who will also be in the meeting), it would be hard to find a place for me to go even if I protested to leave. I think I will still request to leave in case this is my last chance to back out, because once I make a commitment , that’s it.

But anyway that’s enough about my life for now. Has anyone got any new year’s resolutions ? If you do, feel free to comment below 🙂

It’s Christmas week!

Hi everyone hope you are all having a good week, especially since Christmas is only a few sleeps away! I know a lot of people find Christmas a really hard time of the year (myself including sorta) so for those of you who do struggle with it, I hope it isn’t too hard.

Christmas week on the ward isn’t much different. There aren’t as many groups because the people who do some of the groups (like the social worker who does a “Healthy relationships” group) are on holiday (can’t say I’m gutted about that haha). Normally DBT runs for 3 hours once a week (I haven’t started the course yet) but the psychologist is off too. We do have a Christmas tree but it looks pretty sad because we aren’t allowed any lights. There is tinsel hanging around the ward to try and make it look festive.

For me personally, I am just going with the flow. I’m not too fussed this year about Christmas or finding it too hard. I’m not getting gifts for anyone this year because my bank account is screwed (long story) which my friends understand but I will get them as soon as my bank account is sorted out. My parents will be coming to visit on Christmas day so it will be good to spend the day with them, even if I am stuck here. It will be the first Christmas I’ve spent with my family for quite a few years now – they haven’t visited me before on Christmas day itself, usually boxing day.

Me, being my superficial self, I’m still annoyed at hermes delivery because they keep delaying delivering my parcel. The tracking keeps saying “delayed due to external factors”. I can’t wait to get my Pokemon Moon game! I’ve literally spent the first part of the week going “is there any post for me yet?” and most likely have driven the staff up the wall! Hoping it will come today – 2 days late!

Anyway like I said I hope you all have a good Christmas, or the best one that you possibly can! Thanks to all my followers who have read my posts etc. Bye for now!

 

 

Just a check in. 

Good evening readers/bloggers whoever and wherever you may be. I hope you have all had a good week so far!


My parents came to visit on Saturday and it was actually really nice to see them – no arguments! it was really hard to say goodbye except the fact it had gone 7pm and I was falling asleep(My meds make me sleepy really early)
So currently I am still here at the personality disorder ward. Previously I mentioned wanting to leave and be moved to another acute ward with less expectations – well I rang my care coordonator today but he thinks moving me will set me backwards and who also went on about how long it took me on the waiting list to end up where I am now, and therefore finding me somewhere else would be even more difficult. I understand where he’s come from I guess but I just don’t feel anyone really understands me here. I put on such a good facade that I can’t remember the last time I was truly genuine with anyone. The hospital has pretty much put me in a position where I can’t engage in a certain “problem behaviour” which therefore means I am doing well, which I’m okay with. But nothing has changed mentally. That particular problem behaviour has it’s phases – 2 months of doing it daily, then stop… then another 2 months then stop… I stopped again this time but it’s not cause of anything the hospital’s done, it’s because of how I work anyway! I feel like I am being pushed in a direction that I really do not want to go down – but since when did I ever get a choice?

Also this is the latest I’ve stayed up til in ages! My medication  (Clopixol injection 200mg weekly) makes me really tired and I end up sleeping from between 5.30-7pm all the way through the night! I don’t know why I’m still awake now to be honest. I took my zopiclone sleeping tablet with the rest of my night meds about half an hour ago.

On a positive, although they are extremely behind with post, my new pokemon moon game should be arriving by the end of this week (was ordered on Friday from Amazon, would have gotten here by now if it wasn’t for the xmas rush) and I am so excited! I’d love to do a little post purely about Pokemon when I get into the game XD

Anyway I should really think about trying to sleep now. I have therapy at 9am tomorrow and a meeting with the social worker and hoping hoping hoping my damn post will arrive tomorrow too! 

First time on WordPress using my laptop!

Just wanted to write an entry for the sake of writing from my laptop, as opposed to previously posting from my phone.

Today was ward round today, and having my laptop is one of the outcomes which I am happy about. I am still not allowed to spend time in my room though, and they won’t take me off 1 to 1 observations due to “risk” which sucks but I’m trying not to be down about it. The consultant didn’t particularly seem enthusiastic about the fact I wanted to leave, which is surprising because when I first was admitted, they said that if you aren’t ready to make a commitment to stop certain  behaviours, you can’t stay here. So I don’t really know where I stand. He did tell me to bring it up in my next review on the 4th January though. I don’t know. Some days, the thought of staying here doesn’t seem too bad but other days it feels unbearable. I don’t really know what’s best for me, but I do know what isn’t good for me. I mean, no one knows you better than yourself right? And it’s not like I’m making an impulsive decision.

It’s also my birthday next month. I can’t imagine being here on my birthday. It will be my first birthday in hospital since I was 17 (I’ve been in care homes between my hospitalisations) and my first birthday without alcohol since I was 18. I really don’t feel ready to be 22. My 21st year has just been self destruction. But worryingly enough, I wouldn’t see that as a negative. I need to clear my morbid mind out!

Anyway on a more positive note, they have finished refurbishing the lounge so we are no longer cramped up in the ward round room, and they are replacing our bedroom furniture with new furniture. It’s been so hectic with all the builders here but hopefully it won’t be too much longer.

Also, as I write often, please please leave feedback and please let me know if there is anything you would like me to write about or any topics you would like me to post. It would be very much appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Decisions.

It’s been a few days since I updated. Not a lot has happened except the fact they refurbished my room and are now refurbishing the lounge floor. Which means we are all stuck in the ward round room using it as our lounge, and I have nowhere else to go because I’m not allowed in my room during the day.

I have come to a decision though. I have requested to leave – I emailed my care coordinator, wrote a letter to the team here and spoken to the ward manager. I am just not ready to be in the programme, and I am not ready to stop certain things that they are trying to pressure me into. The only problem is the time it may take for my care coordinator to find somewhere else. Because I wasn’t sure about staying or going in my last CPA, they organised another review on 4th January – but that’s still a whole month away!!! It’s very unlikely anything will be sorted out before then due to the Christmas period. So I will just have to try and survive until then. It’s so hard though.

My medication is still making me pretty tired. I think it’s helping me stay calm to a certain extent. It does my head in making me sleepy at 6-7pm meaning I oversleep but I don’t have much choice in the matter so I just roll with it.

Anyway I hope you bloggers out there are having the best weekend possible! If there is any topic any of you have that you would like me to write about please let me know in the comments.

Medicated reflections.

That’s how I feel today. The name of this post says it itself. Meds make you feel crap so you take more meds to balance it out. If only I could be without any medication. When I was 15 and first hospitalised, taking medication for mental health was completely new to me. I was shocked. And now since the last nearly 7 years I have rattled like a walking pharmacy with all the different drugs I’ve been put on.

Anyway there isn’t a particular topic that I wanted to blog about. I guess this is just me using my blog as a space to vent, as apposed to occasional topic articles that other bloggers tend to prefer.

 I guess the last few days I’ve been feeling extra low and have had to take quite a bit of PRN medication  (medication on the side to be used as and when needed). I feel crap about my life my situation and crap about needing to take PRN. The nurses say it’s a good thing I am recognising when I am struggling and that it’s better for me to ask for PRN instead of letting things escalate and me being forced to take the medication anyway. But I’m constantly worried about being criticised for it.

I feel extremely empty and I can’t seem to focus on doing anything let alone do some colouring, watch TV episodes or anything. Every day is the same here. Meal times and cigarette slots break up the day (and groups, but I’m not allowrd to most of them yet ). I feel paralysed. There’s nothing to do here, no where to go. I’m not even allowed in my room until night time! There is also Ward round tomorrow which I am nervous about what to say. Luckily I’ll be 3rd on the list so I won’t have to wait too long. I still have not yet decided whether I want to stay or if I want to go. Lots of things on my mind. But anyway, I shall stop ranting for now and continue drinking my iced black coffee.

30 day blog challenge- (final) Day 30 – Your hopes for this blog

Wow I can’t believe I managed to finish a whole challenge! I’ve tried to do them in the past on tumblr and instagram but this is the first time I’ve ever managed to follow one through. Talk about dedication! Haha.

Well I created this blog as a way of expressing myself creatively, and also to documents the ups and downs of my life (including my mental health battles) for my own sake as well as to relate to others. I am hoping that I will come across amazing fellow bloggers, that people will be able to relate to my posts and that I will be committed to posting reguarly on this blog long term. If I think of anything else I shall edit this.

Thanks so much to everyone who has read all 30 of my posts for this challenge!

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