โ€‹Been 11 months in hospital now this time round since i got re sectioned ๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿ™ˆ 11 months no leave whatsoever. How have I survived?

Sorry I haven’t written for so long. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to post about, it’s more that I can’t get my jumbled up brain to work well enough to be able to put it into a decently formed blog post.

 Not feeling the most optimistic about the upcoming week. Theyll be taking me off my antidepressant completely from tomorrow and monitoring me for a week before starting a new antidepressant next week. So Im a bit nervous. But if anything, I just cant be bothered to go through another week. I’m not sleeping well either, which makes a change from oversleeping for the past few months.

On another note, I’ve been listening to Lorde quite a bit the last few days and I must say I am a fan of her music. Currently listening to one of her latest songs “Green Light” at the moment. I cannot believe she is only 20! She looks older – older than my 22 year old self anyway! 

Anyway it’s just gone 9pm in England and I was planning to attempt an early night so I shall bid you all farewell for now. Sending warmth love and strength to you all out there xxx

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Just existing.

Hey everyone. I know I haven’t posted in a while due to not having anything worthy to post about but I guess this is my blog and I get to choose what is considered “worthy” of sharing right? I’ve been tempted to post about a few topics such as my eating disorder, a motivational bucket list of things I want to do once I get out of hospital etc but I haven’t gotten around to putting these things into words. I will most likely write about these things in the future as they are both important to me.


So anyway I had my manager’s hearing today. A manager’s hearing is a meeting that takes place whenever your section is up for renewal and it consists of 3 independent mental health professionals coming in to assess whether the patient should remain on section or not. At first I wasn’t going to go in but I saw my solicitor who persuaded me to go in. I told her that if discharge wasn’t possible, I would prefer to be transferred to a different hospital, and she said that the panel could make a recommendation for me to move. However in the end the panel just said that they were only here regarding my section, the rest wasn’t up to them. Long story short, I didn’t come off my sectioned. They still think I have a mental disorder etc. Which isn’t surprising but yknow.

I know I would most likely be criticised for writing about this online, but a lot of the reason that I want to leave is because I feel like no one understands me here. I don’t feel any sense of trust or connection with any of the team here compared to previous hospitals/placements. I miss some of the staff from my old places so much. I don’t feel like being here has helped me at all. All I am doing is existing. 

About a week ago, the psychologist said she recommended me starting the group DBT programme but in therapy yesterday she realised there were some parts of the routine I would not be able to keep myself safe i.e going to the dining room for lunch straight from group ( – I’m not allowed in the dining room due to stuff I can use in a risky way) and the possibility of risk items lying around the therapy room would be quite high. So now she wants to discuss my “risk” and challenge my “committment to treatment”. Here’s to say therapy isn’t my favourite past time at the moment!

Anyway it’s the end of the week so I shall stop moaning for now. Hopefully one day things may change for the better but for now, all I can do is exist and try to get through each day the best I can. 

Night time ramblings

Hello people! Having a sleepless night- I knew all these nights of going to sleep at 6-7pm (due to medication and just wanting to be asleep for most of the time possible) would catch up on me!

 Had therapy yesterday which was a bit intense but not too hard. I made sure to say “I’m not sure” too many times cause it admittedly  (on her account) frustrated her last time. She gave me a diary card as homework for the next week to complete every day- I have to rate a list of emotions separately between 0 to 5 (5 being the strongest). She has also given me instructions to practice mindful breathing exercises daily which will be a struggle to remember! I have ward round today, but they are starting from my end of the corridoor this week so I will be third luckily. Always better to get it over and done with I guess. 

Anyway the staff want me to try and to back to sleep so I shall stop now. In the process of downloading some mindfulness app they recommended – let’s see how that goes!

Therapy struggles: the joys!

Hey everybody! Long time no update. I haven’t really known what to write to be honest because of the whirlwind in my head. I cannot believe it is February already! Time passing tends to affect me quite badly as it is a constant reminder of how nothing is in our control. I’ve felt it even as I was growing up.

Things with my therapist aren’t going particularly well. My head pulls blanks on me and is very confusing at the moment, meaning I answer a lot of questions saying “I’m not sure” and telling her truthfully that my mind had gone blank. However she took it as me trying to avoid questions and using defence mechanisms when the truth was genuinely that I wasn’t sure! At the end of the session she admitted she was annoyed and frustrated and that in therapy you’re expected to work etc which made me feel bad because I wasn’t intentionally holding things back. She’s not like any of the other therapists I’ve had before, no therapist has ever gotten annoyed with me before. However she is a very experienced DBT psychologist with the title Dr before her name and has done DBT training with the woman wh0 invented DBT herself. She seems to get on with some of the other patients better than me, with a lot of jokes smiles and apparently even hugs. I have therapy again tomorrow which I can’t help but to dread.

My eating hasn’t been going great either. I keep binging and it’s really doing my head in. A week before my birthday I managed to not binge and I know I can do it again. It’s even harder stuck in here because I’m stuck in the same room every single day (the lounge, cause I’m not allowed in my room during the day due to apparent “risk”) with nothing to do. Hopefully it will get easier once I get leave and have more structure in my day. But that’s a long way off because they won’t even take me off 1 to 1 at the moment! Little steps I guess..

My first Christmas in hospital since I was 17…

Hey everyone. I haven’t posted much because there hasn’t been much change in how I have been or how the unit has been. As the title states, this was my first Christmas in hospital since 2011 (the rest since being in care homes). Christmas is a difficult time of year for a lot of people especially when there is so much pressure to be cheerful.

So the majority of patients went on leave for Christmas. A few of them even went on leave for over 2 weeks and are due back next week! So it was only myself and 2 other patients who were here on Christmas day. 

It wasn’t too bad considering it was in hospital. We watched the new Tarzan movie downstairs on the big projector, opened gifts from the hospital  (they asked us what we wanted in a 10 pound budget so I  asked for slippers). My parents then came in the afternoon and stayed until evening which was really lovely. It’s been the first Christmas day that I’ve spent with them since I was 15 because previously they have come to see me on boxing day instead.

Oh, and it’s my birthday on the 11th January! I am soo not ready to be 22!! I am getting a nice Samsung tablet for my birthday though so I can sync it with my Samsung phone.

The last few days after Christmas have been extremely difficult though, a lot of sh** went down but I’m a survivor. The situation is still pretty difficult and I’ve had to make pretty big scary decisions but I’m trying not to think too much about it or else I will end up playing a thousand different scenarios round and round in my head.

It is also my professionals meeting on the 4th January. In this meeting, I will be asked again if I would like to stay or go somewhere else. Over the last 6 weeks I have gone from being on the fence, to being adamant about leaving, and now being on the fence again. Honestly speaking, due to what my care coordinator has told me (who will also be in the meeting), it would be hard to find a place for me to go even if I protested to leave. I think I will still request to leave in case this is my last chance to back out, because once I make a commitment , that’s it.

But anyway that’s enough about my life for now. Has anyone got any new year’s resolutions ? If you do, feel free to comment below ๐Ÿ™‚

It’s Christmas week!

Hi everyone hope you are all having a good week, especially since Christmas is only a few sleeps away! I know a lot of people find Christmas a really hard time of the year (myself including sorta) so for those of you who do struggle with it, I hope it isn’t too hard.

Christmas week on the wardย isn’t much different. There aren’t as many groups because the people who do some of the groups (like the social worker who does a “Healthy relationships” group) are on holiday (can’t say I’m gutted about that haha). Normally DBT runs for 3 hours once a week (I haven’t started the course yet) but the psychologist is off too. We do have a Christmas tree but it looks pretty sad because we aren’t allowed any lights. There is tinsel hanging around the ward to try and make it look festive.

For me personally, I am just going with the flow. I’m not too fussed this year about Christmas or finding it too hard. I’m not getting gifts for anyone this year because my bank account is screwed (long story) which my friends understand but I will get them as soon as my bank account is sorted out. My parents will be coming to visit on Christmas day so it will be good to spend the day with them, even if I am stuck here. It will be the first Christmas I’ve spent with my family for quite a few years now – they haven’t visited me before on Christmas day itself, usually boxing day.

Me, being my superficial self, I’m still annoyed at hermes delivery because they keep delaying delivering my parcel. The tracking keeps saying “delayed due to external factors”. I can’t wait to get my Pokemon Moon game! I’ve literally spent the first part of the week going “is there any post for me yet?” and most likely have driven the staff up the wall! Hoping it will come today – 2 days late!

Anyway like I said I hope you all have a good Christmas, or the best one that you possibly can! Thanks to all my followers who have read my posts etc. Bye for now!

 

 

Decisions.

It’s been a few days since I updated. Not a lot has happened except the fact they refurbished my room and are now refurbishing the lounge floor. Which means we are all stuck in the ward round room using it as our lounge, and I have nowhere else to go because I’m not allowed in my room during the day.

I have come to a decision though. I have requested to leave – I emailed my care coordinator, wrote a letter to the team here and spoken to the ward manager. I am just not ready to be in the programme, and I am not ready to stop certain things that they are trying to pressure me into. The only problem is the time it may take for my care coordinator to find somewhere else. Because I wasn’t sure about staying or going in my last CPA, they organised another review on 4th January – but that’s still a whole month away!!! It’s very unlikely anything will be sorted out before then due to the Christmas period. So I will just have to try and survive until then. It’s so hard though.

My medication is still making me pretty tired. I think it’s helping me stay calm to a certain extent. It does my head in making me sleepy at 6-7pm meaning I oversleep but I don’t have much choice in the matter so I just roll with it.

Anyway I hope you bloggers out there are having the best weekend possible! If there is any topic any of you have that you would like me to write about please let me know in the comments.

Medicated reflections.

That’s how I feel today. The name of this post says it itself. Meds make you feel crap so you take more meds to balance it out. If only I could be without any medication. When I was 15 and first hospitalised, taking medication for mental health was completely new to me. I was shocked. And now since the last nearly 7 years I have rattled like a walking pharmacy with all the different drugs I’ve been put on.

Anyway there isn’t a particular topic that I wanted to blog about. I guess this is just me using my blog as a space to vent, as apposed to occasional topic articles that other bloggers tend to prefer.

 I guess the last few days I’ve been feeling extra low and have had to take quite a bit of PRN medication  (medication on the side to be used as and when needed). I feel crap about my life my situation and crap about needing to take PRN. The nurses say it’s a good thing I am recognising when I am struggling and that it’s better for me to ask for PRN instead of letting things escalate and me being forced to take the medication anyway. But I’m constantly worried about being criticised for it.

I feel extremely empty and I can’t seem to focus on doing anything let alone do some colouring, watch TV episodes or anything. Every day is the same here. Meal times and cigarette slots break up the day (and groups, but I’m not allowrd to most of them yet ). I feel paralysed. There’s nothing to do here, no where to go. I’m not even allowed in my room until night time! There is also Ward round tomorrow which I am nervous about what to say. Luckily I’ll be 3rd on the list so I won’t have to wait too long. I still have not yet decided whether I want to stay or if I want to go. Lots of things on my mind. But anyway, I shall stop ranting for now and continue drinking my iced black coffee.

Things to do when I finally get leave.

With the way things are at the moment, going out apparently is a long long while for me yet. It’s hard to stay focused when things aren’t really moving forward, plus the obstacles that are pretty much impossible to cross at the moment. But here are a few little motivations I have:

  • Get my hair cut (trimmed, layers, get my side fringe back in)
  • Go for my favourite Costa cooler
  • Get my scaffolding and tragus re pierced
  • Get a tiny hello kitty tattoo on the back of my neck or behind my ear
  • Get my eyebrows threaded

If I think of any more I’ll just add them in. They aren’t very big goals but little things are what makes life enjoyable, right?

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