Night time ramblings

Hello people! Having a sleepless night- I knew all these nights of going to sleep at 6-7pm (due to medication and just wanting to be asleep for most of the time possible) would catch up on me!

 Had therapy yesterday which was a bit intense but not too hard. I made sure to say “I’m not sure” too many times cause it admittedly  (on her account) frustrated her last time. She gave me a diary card as homework for the next week to complete every day- I have to rate a list of emotions separately between 0 to 5 (5 being the strongest). She has also given me instructions to practice mindful breathing exercises daily which will be a struggle to remember! I have ward round today, but they are starting from my end of the corridoor this week so I will be third luckily. Always better to get it over and done with I guess. 

Anyway the staff want me to try and to back to sleep so I shall stop now. In the process of downloading some mindfulness app they recommended – let’s see how that goes!

Sh** happens…

I am aware that my posts are pretty same-ish and I always write about the same things but there aren’t often a lot of changes that happen when you’re in a psych ward unless you’re doing really well and get to go out etc (which I haven’t reached yet) So if any of you have any suggestions on what you would like me to write about please comment below.

I have a lot of sadness inside me and reflections on the past that I would usually write about (especially with Facebook memories popping up 24/7) but at the moment it is too painful to even think about. So for now let’s focus on the here and now. 

I’ve been feeling kinda of crap and empty the last few days and I’m not entirely sure why. I have ward round pretty soon and I’m pretty nervous about it because a significant incident happened last week where I was rushed to hospital (hence my post title) and the consultant here likes to asks loads of questions. Every day here is the same and it’s all so mundane…

It’s  my birthday on Wednesday!

…And I don’t feel 22 at all! I can’t believe how quick the time is going and the years are passing.  It saddens me a lot really because I feel like I’m getting older with nothing to show for. It will also be my first birthday since I was 17 (my last sober birthday)!! 

I really need to sort myself out this year. I am not looking after myself physically and I spend all my time in pyjamas. Sure, it may be understandable since I am in hospital but it doesn’t make it an excuse! I am also not eating healthily and binging which makes me loathe myself more and contributes to me not wanting to get dressed cause of the phobia of my clothes getting tight. I’m  a mess, physically as well as emotionally. But I know enough is enough and hopefully I will continue with this motivation.

I got a new tablet for my birthday from my parents but I’m not allowed to open it till my birthday. I feel guilty and materialistic but surely everyone is allowed nice things? 

Anyway I will probably spend the day playing games on my phone and pokemon on my DS – I kinda gave up on it but I must persevere! Hope you are all having a good weekend so far! 

“I’m tired of begging for things I want”

” You told me think about it, well I did. Now I don’t wanna feel a thing anymore. I’m tired of begging for the things that I want. I’m oversleeping like a dog on the floor.”

(“King for a day by Pierce the Veil)

This quote is from one of my favourite songs and I find it quite appropriate for people in similar situations. I.e – “begging for the things that I want.” Is rather amusingly relatable when it comes to  ward rounds.

Today I was told that they would discuss me having my things (aka my phone mainly ) back. Although she didn’t explain the reasons before, now the ward manager  is saying theyre being wary with my stuff because they don’t know me long enough to know what’s risky and what isnt hence why they took even my phone away  (except for using it periodically, like I am now.) meanwhile, I wrote a list of “risk items” (aka what objects that are a risk personally for me) that the ward manager asked me to write and I gave it to her. 

I’m a bit nervous that I won’t get what I want. I guess it also depends who will be on shift tomorrow. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to sleep properly or not (- I tried to go to bed earlier – didnt work)

Anyway I shall continue to drink my iced decaff coffee and wait for my zopiclone and other sleeping tablets to kick in, because fuck I need them to!! Praying and hoping for the best.

Sending vibes of strength back out to my fellow bloggers ♡

Update

Hey guys. I know I post daily my 30 day challenges (I normally do them beforehand and then schedule them for publish at the correct date) but haven’t updated in a little while.

The last 7 days have been horrible. I lost all my freedom including my phone (except a few hours during the day). I only just got it back for good on wednesday in ward round but took it away again on Thursday for something completely irrelevant. At the moment I’m only allowed it an hour per evening (it will vary depending on who is shiftleading, cos they make decisions with nurses discretion). So that’s been really difficult for me.

Also I (and 2 other patients) have been given timetables of when we have to spend time outside our rooms in the communal areas. It’s pretty annoying to be honest but I’ve just been going along with it.

On Monday my clopixol depot is being increased to 200. That scares me because I was given 100 this Monday and it made me sooo tired. 2 days ago I slept in the afternoon, then on the couch after dinner and then went to bed at 8 which is pretty abnormal for me. But the last couple of days I’ve been ok. Let’s see how it goes.

Hope you people out there are okay.

Inpatient – The plan of action so far.

So I’ve been in this particular PD ward coming up 4 weeks now, meaning that in a couple of weeks, the 6 week assessment will be over and I will have my first CPA. 

And I have no idea if I will be staying or going.

I will list a few factors that might influence the eventual outcome, many of which will contradict each other

  •  Over the past week, I have made up my mind that I’d like to stay. I wrote a letter saying that this is a far more therapeutic ward than my previous few, and I am willing to engage except from my behaviours. But apparently the whole reason of being here is to stop the behaviours
  • The consultant said that being here is about a motivation to change to build a better life for yourself and to stop self destructive behaviours. Which is the exact opposite of how I feel in myself. It’s not that I dont want to get better but I just can’t imagine it. And I am strongly adamant not to stop the behaviours because of deep set reasons and besides why would I want to “manage” better when I feel just as unbearable inside? All they want is to treat the symptoms not the cause. And no don’t even go there with elastic bands or ice because that wouldn’t meet my reasons as to why I do what I do.
  • The main problem at the moment is the fact that I am being restrained daily due, which they cannot cope with. I said that I am going to try and stop which will lessen the restraints but Im not sure it can happen in 2 weeks before my CPA especially after the tortorous week I have had.
  • I have seen the psychologist here a few times now. She is really good – shes got a doctor status and she is trained in many types of therapy for many types of illnesses. Her plan is to see me a few more times, then decide what would be the best therapy/treatment for me. This ward only does DBT and if I’m not suitable for it then apparently there’s no point me being here.
  • I just don’t want to end up moving somewhere else (aka a horrid medium secure unit) and be full of regret. This is actually a decent (ish) ward (even though I hate being in hospital anyway) with a lot of trained staff with a full occupational therapy group timetable and therapy schedules. I don’t want to end up in a situation where I’ve blown the only chance of treatment I will ever have.
  • However, the staff are fully aware and are pleased with how hard I am trying to cope otherwise.

So I basically have not much of a clue.

Anyway I am currently worrying about the possibility of another sleepless night so I shall end this now. I know I have pretty much just moaned about myself but I hope that it at least had made sense.

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