Back at the ward…

It sucks. I didn’t want to come back but hey ho. Hopefully I can go home again soon. The consultant doesn’t want me going every week because he doesn’t want to “rush” things but I just want to spend as least time in this hospital as I possibly can. So I hopefully can go again in 2 weeks fingers crossed.

Hope you’re all okay.

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Coming home – Reflections.

Firstly, excuse the horrible photo of myself I took this morning – I had another completely sleepless night last night.

But anyway, I had family therapy this morning at 10 and am now at home overnight until tomorrow, which is a huge achievement since I hadn’t been home even just for a visit for over 5 years – when I was 17. I’ve been really excited about going home since it was planned over a week ago.

At the moment I’m sitting in the conservatory with my mum. I’m trying to figure out the intense ball of feelings that have arisen. It’s nice to be home, everything is the way I imagined it to be – but I can’t help feel nostalgic over past memories and wishing I could turn back time to when I was last living here. Also, I am absolutely dreading having to go back to the ward tomorrow afternoon.

It’s been nice so far, playing with my cats, chatting with my parents and just chilling really. The lack of sleep hasn’t really helped my mood though. But anyway, I shall stop here for now. Thanks for anyone who bothers reading my burble of senseless crap!

Just existing.

Hey everyone. I know I haven’t posted in a while due to not having anything worthy to post about but I guess this is my blog and I get to choose what is considered “worthy” of sharing right? I’ve been tempted to post about a few topics such as my eating disorder, a motivational bucket list of things I want to do once I get out of hospital etc but I haven’t gotten around to putting these things into words. I will most likely write about these things in the future as they are both important to me.


So anyway I had my manager’s hearing today. A manager’s hearing is a meeting that takes place whenever your section is up for renewal and it consists of 3 independent mental health professionals coming in to assess whether the patient should remain on section or not. At first I wasn’t going to go in but I saw my solicitor who persuaded me to go in. I told her that if discharge wasn’t possible, I would prefer to be transferred to a different hospital, and she said that the panel could make a recommendation for me to move. However in the end the panel just said that they were only here regarding my section, the rest wasn’t up to them. Long story short, I didn’t come off my sectioned. They still think I have a mental disorder etc. Which isn’t surprising but yknow.

I know I would most likely be criticised for writing about this online, but a lot of the reason that I want to leave is because I feel like no one understands me here. I don’t feel any sense of trust or connection with any of the team here compared to previous hospitals/placements. I miss some of the staff from my old places so much. I don’t feel like being here has helped me at all. All I am doing is existing. 

About a week ago, the psychologist said she recommended me starting the group DBT programme but in therapy yesterday she realised there were some parts of the routine I would not be able to keep myself safe i.e going to the dining room for lunch straight from group ( – I’m not allowed in the dining room due to stuff I can use in a risky way) and the possibility of risk items lying around the therapy room would be quite high. So now she wants to discuss my “risk” and challenge my “committment to treatment”. Here’s to say therapy isn’t my favourite past time at the moment!

Anyway it’s the end of the week so I shall stop moaning for now. Hopefully one day things may change for the better but for now, all I can do is exist and try to get through each day the best I can. 

Update

Hey guys. I know I post daily my 30 day challenges (I normally do them beforehand and then schedule them for publish at the correct date) but haven’t updated in a little while.

The last 7 days have been horrible. I lost all my freedom including my phone (except a few hours during the day). I only just got it back for good on wednesday in ward round but took it away again on Thursday for something completely irrelevant. At the moment I’m only allowed it an hour per evening (it will vary depending on who is shiftleading, cos they make decisions with nurses discretion). So that’s been really difficult for me.

Also I (and 2 other patients) have been given timetables of when we have to spend time outside our rooms in the communal areas. It’s pretty annoying to be honest but I’ve just been going along with it.

On Monday my clopixol depot is being increased to 200. That scares me because I was given 100 this Monday and it made me sooo tired. 2 days ago I slept in the afternoon, then on the couch after dinner and then went to bed at 8 which is pretty abnormal for me. But the last couple of days I’ve been ok. Let’s see how it goes.

Hope you people out there are okay.

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