​Been 11 months in hospital now this time round since i got re sectioned 🙈🙈🙈 11 months no leave whatsoever. How have I survived?

Sorry I haven’t written for so long. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to post about, it’s more that I can’t get my jumbled up brain to work well enough to be able to put it into a decently formed blog post.

 Not feeling the most optimistic about the upcoming week. Theyll be taking me off my antidepressant completely from tomorrow and monitoring me for a week before starting a new antidepressant next week. So Im a bit nervous. But if anything, I just cant be bothered to go through another week. I’m not sleeping well either, which makes a change from oversleeping for the past few months.

On another note, I’ve been listening to Lorde quite a bit the last few days and I must say I am a fan of her music. Currently listening to one of her latest songs “Green Light” at the moment. I cannot believe she is only 20! She looks older – older than my 22 year old self anyway! 

Anyway it’s just gone 9pm in England and I was planning to attempt an early night so I shall bid you all farewell for now. Sending warmth love and strength to you all out there xxx

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Just existing.

Hey everyone. I know I haven’t posted in a while due to not having anything worthy to post about but I guess this is my blog and I get to choose what is considered “worthy” of sharing right? I’ve been tempted to post about a few topics such as my eating disorder, a motivational bucket list of things I want to do once I get out of hospital etc but I haven’t gotten around to putting these things into words. I will most likely write about these things in the future as they are both important to me.


So anyway I had my manager’s hearing today. A manager’s hearing is a meeting that takes place whenever your section is up for renewal and it consists of 3 independent mental health professionals coming in to assess whether the patient should remain on section or not. At first I wasn’t going to go in but I saw my solicitor who persuaded me to go in. I told her that if discharge wasn’t possible, I would prefer to be transferred to a different hospital, and she said that the panel could make a recommendation for me to move. However in the end the panel just said that they were only here regarding my section, the rest wasn’t up to them. Long story short, I didn’t come off my sectioned. They still think I have a mental disorder etc. Which isn’t surprising but yknow.

I know I would most likely be criticised for writing about this online, but a lot of the reason that I want to leave is because I feel like no one understands me here. I don’t feel any sense of trust or connection with any of the team here compared to previous hospitals/placements. I miss some of the staff from my old places so much. I don’t feel like being here has helped me at all. All I am doing is existing. 

About a week ago, the psychologist said she recommended me starting the group DBT programme but in therapy yesterday she realised there were some parts of the routine I would not be able to keep myself safe i.e going to the dining room for lunch straight from group ( – I’m not allowed in the dining room due to stuff I can use in a risky way) and the possibility of risk items lying around the therapy room would be quite high. So now she wants to discuss my “risk” and challenge my “committment to treatment”. Here’s to say therapy isn’t my favourite past time at the moment!

Anyway it’s the end of the week so I shall stop moaning for now. Hopefully one day things may change for the better but for now, all I can do is exist and try to get through each day the best I can. 

Being in hospital is not a novelty!!

This topic came to my mind purely after thinking to myself “being here sucks. Being in hospital sucks (this one more than others, admittedly)

It annoys me how some people romanticise being in hospital. Of course it’s nothing to be ashamed of either. But it’s not a competition. There has been so much competition I have witnessed during my time in services. A sectioned patient isn’t superior to an informal patient and often doesn’t always mean they are more ill.  Being ill in itself isn’t a novelty, unless you count agonising mental pain as a trophy.

I should know this because I’ve spent quite a lot of my time in hospitals since I was 15 (all my time since then either in hospital or care homes) and it really doesn’t get easier. Is this the way anyone would choose to spend the last of their teenage years and early 20’s? Anyway, rant over. Sorry for the unstructured outburst.

It’s  my birthday on Wednesday!

…And I don’t feel 22 at all! I can’t believe how quick the time is going and the years are passing.  It saddens me a lot really because I feel like I’m getting older with nothing to show for. It will also be my first birthday since I was 17 (my last sober birthday)!! 

I really need to sort myself out this year. I am not looking after myself physically and I spend all my time in pyjamas. Sure, it may be understandable since I am in hospital but it doesn’t make it an excuse! I am also not eating healthily and binging which makes me loathe myself more and contributes to me not wanting to get dressed cause of the phobia of my clothes getting tight. I’m  a mess, physically as well as emotionally. But I know enough is enough and hopefully I will continue with this motivation.

I got a new tablet for my birthday from my parents but I’m not allowed to open it till my birthday. I feel guilty and materialistic but surely everyone is allowed nice things? 

Anyway I will probably spend the day playing games on my phone and pokemon on my DS – I kinda gave up on it but I must persevere! Hope you are all having a good weekend so far! 

The day before my CPA…

I know I’ve written about my upcoming CPA a lot but I thought it was going to be the end of this week, not tomorrow! I was told today by the ward manager. And “shitting myself” does not come close to how I am feeling.

I’ve spoken to the other staff and patients about it. To be fair this afternoon has been really nice chilling in the lounge with a few others. Apparently I will have to say why I want to stay here and my goals for the future. And that’s going to be a very tough one for me, considering the prospect of even another day approaching terrifies and overwhelmes me. I said to one of the patients “Um, well, I could be in a lot worse places than here with less freedom.” But she said that isn’t a good reason to stay, so I shouldn’t say that.

The main issue I have is being at loggerheads with the team over my destructive behaviours. I am currently not ready to stop these behaviours. I said I don’t see why I should stop if I am still in this much pain. The behaviours are just  a symptom of the root problems, and for me, it would only make sense in my personal situation for the behaviours to only stop when the problems have been worked through, until I wouldn’t need them anymore. But here, before you officially start therapy, you have to commit to be willing to change your behaviours before  starting – and this goes against everything I believe in. 

So I have no idea what I am going to say. The patients have said “If they’ve kept you up to the 6 week period, they’re not gonna just kick you out” – but I’m not sure in my case. They’ve been threatening to kick me out ever since my first week. Even the consultant himself one ward round a few weeks ago said that if I carried on the way I have, I wouldn’t be allowed to stay  – but here I still am. I am aware that I am completely contradicting myself with every sentence, but that’s me – a walking contradiction.

It’s now approaching evening time which is extremely anxiety provoking. It means that the next day is sooner (I wrote about this in my previous post). I’m going to listen to some music and maybe do some of my colouring to take my mind off all the possible outcomes of tomorrow. Thanks to everyone who have bothered to read. Wish me luck!

Reflections – “How did I get here?” 2016

So it’s now been over 6 months since I was re hospitalised this year since 2013. As I mentioned in one of my early posts, I’ve lived in different mental health community residential homes/care homes since then. It’s really difficult to be positive after a long long history with mental illness, because you kinda think to yourself “if it was possible to recover, then surely I would have done by now.” It’s so hard when people say “only you can change things. You will get better only if you want to.” And it makes me feel like crap because I’ve tried so hard to change things in the past and present and of course I want to recover. It’s just now gotten to the point where I can’t imagine things ever being truly better. For me, recovering isn’t just about working on the outside behaviours and “managing” them (like professionals think) – it’s about feeling better too, so we don’t need to use unhelpful behaviours so much.

So anyway, I was sectioned again over 6 months ago (ironically in May – mental health awareness month) and have been in different acute wards and PICUs since, until I came here. It was always the plan since I was sectioned for me to come somewhere like here – part of the reason I was put under section was to get “specialist treatment” not just about safety (even though it was the primary reason). I preferred the 2 acute units I was in, but they were only short term admissions – mostly to do with medication changes – and they don’t offer therapy. They were just a holding place until I came here. And in 3 days time it will be my first CPA deciding whether I’m suitable for here or not, whether I stay or go – which I have extremely mixed feelings about too.

How did I waste a whole summer in hospital? I made the most of summer 2013 (my first summer out of hospital) but each summer after that became progressively worse (2014, 15 etc). I know there isn’t any point in regretting or moping.

Sometimes I take a deep breath and wonder if this was part of God’s life plan for me and had to happen as part of my “journey”, or I’ve majorly just f-cked up. It’s interesting to reflect upon these things, however sometimes we just need to keep our eyes shut whilst plodding on, or even taking a leap of faith.

My attempts to save money whilst inpatient

So the main 2 things I spend money on reguarly is pepsi max and tobacco. I am not allowed out on leave yet so my parents withdraw my cash whenever they visit every few weeks (the staff arent allowed to withdraw cash on my behalf) and the staff go to the shop on my behalf. And sometimes if Ive run out of cash before my parents next visit, I do a bulk pepsi max and tobacco tesco order and delivery. (Seriously, the nurse’s face when carts of pepsi were being delivered to my room was priceless!)

However at the moment due to me overspending, we decided to cancel my card and the account and are in the process of opening another one

Because this is going to take a while, I have to rely solely on the cash my parents withdraw for me between each visit, and if I run out, I’m screwed. Which leads to the ecigarette hoping I will save money by making my tobacco last longer

I was using an e max one that a patient sold me but I got my mum to order (with my money of course) a better one (the brand is called “kik”). The main attraction to the e cigarette was all the possible different flavoured liquids you can buy – still with different strengths of nicotine in – one of the patients gave me all her liquids. So I have cherry, blueberry, raspberry, strawberry and bubblegum flavours. Also I do admit that I am a lover of gadgets!

The vapour flows smoothly and puffing on it is rather addictive. Its really handy when youre bored and need something to do with your hands, and cannot be bothered to go downstairs for a real smoke (we have hourly breaks here). So far I have only smoked 3 or 4 today which is progress. Because I am probably excessively puffing on my e cig, I dont feel the cravings as much for a real one anymore.

Thus saves money by making my tobacco last longer.

So yeah, it’s been pretty successful. I have a good supply of liquids for my ecig and about 30-40 pounds to last for when my parents come back from their holiday in Japan (they are going this week but not sure how long for) – and I’d like to say that I think I will manage just fine!

The evening before ward round

Instead of writing about ward round itself like in my previous post, I’m just going to write about this evening.

I struggle with keeping myself busy so I decided to sit in the lounge with some of the other girls (whilst still working on my blog) and we chilled out listened to music etc. which was really nice. We also did some scrapbooking together. One of the patients even put an adorable facebook status up saying she was enjoying our campany (- Ive posted the screenshot as the header for this post).

Normally for the past few weeks id have been asleep by now (cause they started me on Clopixol) but they ran out of Clopixol in the afternoon so I missed one dose. Its good that i feel back to my usual self (- aka going to bed midnight ish) but at the same time not good because waking up for meds at 7.30 will not be pleasant at all especially if I’ve stayed up! Then due to not enough hours of sleep (for me anyway ) I’ll probs end up napping which isnt great cos I wake up in a worse mood that I was in before.

Had some prn earlier to help me settle before bed so I will try to sleep again shortly.

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