Coming home – Reflections.

Firstly, excuse the horrible photo of myself I took this morning – I had another completely sleepless night last night.

But anyway, I had family therapy this morning at 10 and am now at home overnight until tomorrow, which is a huge achievement since I hadn’t been home even just for a visit for over 5 years – when I was 17. I’ve been really excited about going home since it was planned over a week ago.

At the moment I’m sitting in the conservatory with my mum. I’m trying to figure out the intense ball of feelings that have arisen. It’s nice to be home, everything is the way I imagined it to be – but I can’t help feel nostalgic over past memories and wishing I could turn back time to when I was last living here. Also, I am absolutely dreading having to go back to the ward tomorrow afternoon.

It’s been nice so far, playing with my cats, chatting with my parents and just chilling really. The lack of sleep hasn’t really helped my mood though. But anyway, I shall stop here for now. Thanks for anyone who bothers reading my burble of senseless crap!

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Night time ramblings

Hello people! Having a sleepless night- I knew all these nights of going to sleep at 6-7pm (due to medication and just wanting to be asleep for most of the time possible) would catch up on me!

 Had therapy yesterday which was a bit intense but not too hard. I made sure to say “I’m not sure” too many times cause it admittedly  (on her account) frustrated her last time. She gave me a diary card as homework for the next week to complete every day- I have to rate a list of emotions separately between 0 to 5 (5 being the strongest). She has also given me instructions to practice mindful breathing exercises daily which will be a struggle to remember! I have ward round today, but they are starting from my end of the corridoor this week so I will be third luckily. Always better to get it over and done with I guess. 

Anyway the staff want me to try and to back to sleep so I shall stop now. In the process of downloading some mindfulness app they recommended – let’s see how that goes!

Sleepless nights (poem)

Don’t you hate those sleepless nights?

When no rest for you awaits?
With racing thoughts you fight,
And feelings you cannot shake?​

From the torture that’s called life,
Surely I’m allowed a break?
But instead I softly cry
There’s not much more I can take.

Each breath feels so heavy
And I can barely stand.
My pulse is not so steady
Due to life’s endless demands.

What have I done to deserve this?
Trapped all alone with my fears?
I tremble and I clench my fists.
My clothes are drenched in tears.

Each second lasts a lifetime
I think of the day ahead.
When I’ll forced to function,
Filled constantly with dread.

Don’t you hate these restless nights?
And the fact you are still awake?
Soon the room will be filled with light
And more smiles you’ll have to fake. 

By e.y.h.l

This is a poem I wrote a few months ago. I am having another sleepless night tonight so I thought it would be pretty apt to share it. Hope you like it x

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