​Been 11 months in hospital now this time round since i got re sectioned 🙈🙈🙈 11 months no leave whatsoever. How have I survived?

Sorry I haven’t written for so long. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to post about, it’s more that I can’t get my jumbled up brain to work well enough to be able to put it into a decently formed blog post.

 Not feeling the most optimistic about the upcoming week. Theyll be taking me off my antidepressant completely from tomorrow and monitoring me for a week before starting a new antidepressant next week. So Im a bit nervous. But if anything, I just cant be bothered to go through another week. I’m not sleeping well either, which makes a change from oversleeping for the past few months.

On another note, I’ve been listening to Lorde quite a bit the last few days and I must say I am a fan of her music. Currently listening to one of her latest songs “Green Light” at the moment. I cannot believe she is only 20! She looks older – older than my 22 year old self anyway! 

Anyway it’s just gone 9pm in England and I was planning to attempt an early night so I shall bid you all farewell for now. Sending warmth love and strength to you all out there xxx

Just a check in. 

Good evening readers/bloggers whoever and wherever you may be. I hope you have all had a good week so far!


My parents came to visit on Saturday and it was actually really nice to see them – no arguments! it was really hard to say goodbye except the fact it had gone 7pm and I was falling asleep(My meds make me sleepy really early)
So currently I am still here at the personality disorder ward. Previously I mentioned wanting to leave and be moved to another acute ward with less expectations – well I rang my care coordonator today but he thinks moving me will set me backwards and who also went on about how long it took me on the waiting list to end up where I am now, and therefore finding me somewhere else would be even more difficult. I understand where he’s come from I guess but I just don’t feel anyone really understands me here. I put on such a good facade that I can’t remember the last time I was truly genuine with anyone. The hospital has pretty much put me in a position where I can’t engage in a certain “problem behaviour” which therefore means I am doing well, which I’m okay with. But nothing has changed mentally. That particular problem behaviour has it’s phases – 2 months of doing it daily, then stop… then another 2 months then stop… I stopped again this time but it’s not cause of anything the hospital’s done, it’s because of how I work anyway! I feel like I am being pushed in a direction that I really do not want to go down – but since when did I ever get a choice?

Also this is the latest I’ve stayed up til in ages! My medication  (Clopixol injection 200mg weekly) makes me really tired and I end up sleeping from between 5.30-7pm all the way through the night! I don’t know why I’m still awake now to be honest. I took my zopiclone sleeping tablet with the rest of my night meds about half an hour ago.

On a positive, although they are extremely behind with post, my new pokemon moon game should be arriving by the end of this week (was ordered on Friday from Amazon, would have gotten here by now if it wasn’t for the xmas rush) and I am so excited! I’d love to do a little post purely about Pokemon when I get into the game XD

Anyway I should really think about trying to sleep now. I have therapy at 9am tomorrow and a meeting with the social worker and hoping hoping hoping my damn post will arrive tomorrow too! 

Decisions.

It’s been a few days since I updated. Not a lot has happened except the fact they refurbished my room and are now refurbishing the lounge floor. Which means we are all stuck in the ward round room using it as our lounge, and I have nowhere else to go because I’m not allowed in my room during the day.

I have come to a decision though. I have requested to leave – I emailed my care coordinator, wrote a letter to the team here and spoken to the ward manager. I am just not ready to be in the programme, and I am not ready to stop certain things that they are trying to pressure me into. The only problem is the time it may take for my care coordinator to find somewhere else. Because I wasn’t sure about staying or going in my last CPA, they organised another review on 4th January – but that’s still a whole month away!!! It’s very unlikely anything will be sorted out before then due to the Christmas period. So I will just have to try and survive until then. It’s so hard though.

My medication is still making me pretty tired. I think it’s helping me stay calm to a certain extent. It does my head in making me sleepy at 6-7pm meaning I oversleep but I don’t have much choice in the matter so I just roll with it.

Anyway I hope you bloggers out there are having the best weekend possible! If there is any topic any of you have that you would like me to write about please let me know in the comments.

Medicated reflections.

That’s how I feel today. The name of this post says it itself. Meds make you feel crap so you take more meds to balance it out. If only I could be without any medication. When I was 15 and first hospitalised, taking medication for mental health was completely new to me. I was shocked. And now since the last nearly 7 years I have rattled like a walking pharmacy with all the different drugs I’ve been put on.

Anyway there isn’t a particular topic that I wanted to blog about. I guess this is just me using my blog as a space to vent, as apposed to occasional topic articles that other bloggers tend to prefer.

 I guess the last few days I’ve been feeling extra low and have had to take quite a bit of PRN medication  (medication on the side to be used as and when needed). I feel crap about my life my situation and crap about needing to take PRN. The nurses say it’s a good thing I am recognising when I am struggling and that it’s better for me to ask for PRN instead of letting things escalate and me being forced to take the medication anyway. But I’m constantly worried about being criticised for it.

I feel extremely empty and I can’t seem to focus on doing anything let alone do some colouring, watch TV episodes or anything. Every day is the same here. Meal times and cigarette slots break up the day (and groups, but I’m not allowrd to most of them yet ). I feel paralysed. There’s nothing to do here, no where to go. I’m not even allowed in my room until night time! There is also Ward round tomorrow which I am nervous about what to say. Luckily I’ll be 3rd on the list so I won’t have to wait too long. I still have not yet decided whether I want to stay or if I want to go. Lots of things on my mind. But anyway, I shall stop ranting for now and continue drinking my iced black coffee.

30 day blog challenge- (final) Day 30 – Your hopes for this blog

Wow I can’t believe I managed to finish a whole challenge! I’ve tried to do them in the past on tumblr and instagram but this is the first time I’ve ever managed to follow one through. Talk about dedication! Haha.

Well I created this blog as a way of expressing myself creatively, and also to documents the ups and downs of my life (including my mental health battles) for my own sake as well as to relate to others. I am hoping that I will come across amazing fellow bloggers, that people will be able to relate to my posts and that I will be committed to posting reguarly on this blog long term. If I think of anything else I shall edit this.

Thanks so much to everyone who has read all 30 of my posts for this challenge!

Restlessness

I am not entirely sure why, but I’ve been feeling extra restless lately. Even the staff have noticed it. I used to spend  time doing activities such as colouring or doing my dot to dot books but I just can’t concentrate at all. I’ll pick something up and end up putting it down again 5 minutes later. It’s rather annoying when there isn’t much to do here in the first place. Even having my phone and nintendo DS back isn’t much help. I literally have to try consciously to find something to try and do. I went to bed pretty early yesterday – I even started trying to sleep at 7pm because I was so bored!

Anyway enough of my ranting. Hoping I will feel more settled soon and also hoping you guys have all had a good week so far.

Got my phone back!

So I’m allowed my phone back thank goodness! I’m only allowed it in communal areas but that’s pretty much all the time because they’ve decided to lock my room all day until I go to bed at night. I’m trying really hard to manage but it’s so hard. I feel like a part of me is missing. It’s hard to explain.

Last week I was more than happy to tell them I wasn’t ready to be here but they spoke to me and said I would get my freedom back eventually and that I needed to work with them. And it’s been hard as f***. But I will never know if they can help me if I don’t give it a chance, right?

Anyway, now I am back in touch with wordpress I will be able to continue doing my 30 day challenge, even if it is rather overdue.

Lastly, have a photo of my adorable cat Olly. 

This was taken last year when he was only a few months old. I adopted him myself from a family who had litter and I lived with him in one of the care home step down residential homes I was in, but he has lived with my parents ever since I got sectioned again in May. He has a good relationship with my parents which is good, but if it isn’t too disruptive for him, I’m hoping to take him back when I’m better

I hope all you out there are having a good start to the week. Thank you too all who have taken your time to read this

My CPA outcomes

​Hey guys hope you’re ok. Had my CPA which was a slight anticlimax to say the least. Also, it turns out that for now, I’m staying, which I have a lot of mixed feelings about. There will also be a meeting on the 4th January and by then they will expect (and be disappointed) a lot more progress regarding certain behaviours and compulsions. I managed to clarify a few other things too. I brought up the fact I feel staff don’t like me because of my self destructive episodes are “inconvenient”, and the consultant said it was more upsetting to witness than anything else, which I hadn’t thought of before.

 Even though it’s only a few weeks away, I don’t know how I feel about spending Christmas here… But it looks like either way I’d be spending Christmas in hospital whether it’s here or somewhere else. 

Anyway I am going to try and make the most of the rest of the day (even if it does just mean sitting with the others listening to my music) and forget about it. Maybe if I try hard enough, I’ll be able to forget, just for a little bit, that I’m in hospital. I wish.

An empty shell.

Sometimes I feel like my existence isn’t even real. I have no sense whatsoever about who I am as a person, and when I am around others, all I can see of myself is an empty shell. What would anyone see in me? There’s just a big gaping hole. I am surrounded by strong personalities around me who push and pull, and I drift around like a ghost. When I’m with others and they’re having a laugh, it’s  as if I’m not there. I almost feel transparent. It’s like I’m there, yet I’m not.

 The times when I have made friends only have happened when I don’t care or when I’m not “looking” for anything. Even then I wonder what they see in me.

I just feel so boring, lacking in substance. I’m not energetic or loud or outwardly talented. I’m more awkward which tends to mean I get overlooked but it doesn’t hurt me as much anymore because I’m used to it. Apparently I seem “detached” from others quite a lot (my therapist told me that) which I guess puts an invisible barrier that doesn’t allow anyone or anything to get too close. But I don’t mean to be like that. 

Sorry I hope this post didn’t sound too self pitying. I was just venting and reflecting on my feelings generally. Now I’m anxious about being able to sleep tonight so I shall end this here. Maybe one day it won’t hurt so much.

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