Night time ramblings

Hello people! Having a sleepless night- I knew all these nights of going to sleep at 6-7pm (due to medication and just wanting to be asleep for most of the time possible) would catch up on me!

 Had therapy yesterday which was a bit intense but not too hard. I made sure to say “I’m not sure” too many times cause it admittedly  (on her account) frustrated her last time. She gave me a diary card as homework for the next week to complete every day- I have to rate a list of emotions separately between 0 to 5 (5 being the strongest). She has also given me instructions to practice mindful breathing exercises daily which will be a struggle to remember! I have ward round today, but they are starting from my end of the corridoor this week so I will be third luckily. Always better to get it over and done with I guess. 

Anyway the staff want me to try and to back to sleep so I shall stop now. In the process of downloading some mindfulness app they recommended – let’s see how that goes!

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Therapy struggles: the joys!

Hey everybody! Long time no update. I haven’t really known what to write to be honest because of the whirlwind in my head. I cannot believe it is February already! Time passing tends to affect me quite badly as it is a constant reminder of how nothing is in our control. I’ve felt it even as I was growing up.

Things with my therapist aren’t going particularly well. My head pulls blanks on me and is very confusing at the moment, meaning I answer a lot of questions saying “I’m not sure” and telling her truthfully that my mind had gone blank. However she took it as me trying to avoid questions and using defence mechanisms when the truth was genuinely that I wasn’t sure! At the end of the session she admitted she was annoyed and frustrated and that in therapy you’re expected to work etc which made me feel bad because I wasn’t intentionally holding things back. She’s not like any of the other therapists I’ve had before, no therapist has ever gotten annoyed with me before. However she is a very experienced DBT psychologist with the title Dr before her name and has done DBT training with the woman wh0 invented DBT herself. She seems to get on with some of the other patients better than me, with a lot of jokes smiles and apparently even hugs. I have therapy again tomorrow which I can’t help but to dread.

My eating hasn’t been going great either. I keep binging and it’s really doing my head in. A week before my birthday I managed to not binge and I know I can do it again. It’s even harder stuck in here because I’m stuck in the same room every single day (the lounge, cause I’m not allowed in my room during the day due to apparent “risk”) with nothing to do. Hopefully it will get easier once I get leave and have more structure in my day. But that’s a long way off because they won’t even take me off 1 to 1 at the moment! Little steps I guess..

Sh** happens…

I am aware that my posts are pretty same-ish and I always write about the same things but there aren’t often a lot of changes that happen when you’re in a psych ward unless you’re doing really well and get to go out etc (which I haven’t reached yet) So if any of you have any suggestions on what you would like me to write about please comment below.

I have a lot of sadness inside me and reflections on the past that I would usually write about (especially with Facebook memories popping up 24/7) but at the moment it is too painful to even think about. So for now let’s focus on the here and now. 

I’ve been feeling kinda of crap and empty the last few days and I’m not entirely sure why. I have ward round pretty soon and I’m pretty nervous about it because a significant incident happened last week where I was rushed to hospital (hence my post title) and the consultant here likes to asks loads of questions. Every day here is the same and it’s all so mundane…

Just a check in. 

Good evening readers/bloggers whoever and wherever you may be. I hope you have all had a good week so far!


My parents came to visit on Saturday and it was actually really nice to see them – no arguments! it was really hard to say goodbye except the fact it had gone 7pm and I was falling asleep(My meds make me sleepy really early)
So currently I am still here at the personality disorder ward. Previously I mentioned wanting to leave and be moved to another acute ward with less expectations – well I rang my care coordonator today but he thinks moving me will set me backwards and who also went on about how long it took me on the waiting list to end up where I am now, and therefore finding me somewhere else would be even more difficult. I understand where he’s come from I guess but I just don’t feel anyone really understands me here. I put on such a good facade that I can’t remember the last time I was truly genuine with anyone. The hospital has pretty much put me in a position where I can’t engage in a certain “problem behaviour” which therefore means I am doing well, which I’m okay with. But nothing has changed mentally. That particular problem behaviour has it’s phases – 2 months of doing it daily, then stop… then another 2 months then stop… I stopped again this time but it’s not cause of anything the hospital’s done, it’s because of how I work anyway! I feel like I am being pushed in a direction that I really do not want to go down – but since when did I ever get a choice?

Also this is the latest I’ve stayed up til in ages! My medication  (Clopixol injection 200mg weekly) makes me really tired and I end up sleeping from between 5.30-7pm all the way through the night! I don’t know why I’m still awake now to be honest. I took my zopiclone sleeping tablet with the rest of my night meds about half an hour ago.

On a positive, although they are extremely behind with post, my new pokemon moon game should be arriving by the end of this week (was ordered on Friday from Amazon, would have gotten here by now if it wasn’t for the xmas rush) and I am so excited! I’d love to do a little post purely about Pokemon when I get into the game XD

Anyway I should really think about trying to sleep now. I have therapy at 9am tomorrow and a meeting with the social worker and hoping hoping hoping my damn post will arrive tomorrow too! 

Decisions.

It’s been a few days since I updated. Not a lot has happened except the fact they refurbished my room and are now refurbishing the lounge floor. Which means we are all stuck in the ward round room using it as our lounge, and I have nowhere else to go because I’m not allowed in my room during the day.

I have come to a decision though. I have requested to leave – I emailed my care coordinator, wrote a letter to the team here and spoken to the ward manager. I am just not ready to be in the programme, and I am not ready to stop certain things that they are trying to pressure me into. The only problem is the time it may take for my care coordinator to find somewhere else. Because I wasn’t sure about staying or going in my last CPA, they organised another review on 4th January – but that’s still a whole month away!!! It’s very unlikely anything will be sorted out before then due to the Christmas period. So I will just have to try and survive until then. It’s so hard though.

My medication is still making me pretty tired. I think it’s helping me stay calm to a certain extent. It does my head in making me sleepy at 6-7pm meaning I oversleep but I don’t have much choice in the matter so I just roll with it.

Anyway I hope you bloggers out there are having the best weekend possible! If there is any topic any of you have that you would like me to write about please let me know in the comments.

Medicated reflections.

That’s how I feel today. The name of this post says it itself. Meds make you feel crap so you take more meds to balance it out. If only I could be without any medication. When I was 15 and first hospitalised, taking medication for mental health was completely new to me. I was shocked. And now since the last nearly 7 years I have rattled like a walking pharmacy with all the different drugs I’ve been put on.

Anyway there isn’t a particular topic that I wanted to blog about. I guess this is just me using my blog as a space to vent, as apposed to occasional topic articles that other bloggers tend to prefer.

 I guess the last few days I’ve been feeling extra low and have had to take quite a bit of PRN medication  (medication on the side to be used as and when needed). I feel crap about my life my situation and crap about needing to take PRN. The nurses say it’s a good thing I am recognising when I am struggling and that it’s better for me to ask for PRN instead of letting things escalate and me being forced to take the medication anyway. But I’m constantly worried about being criticised for it.

I feel extremely empty and I can’t seem to focus on doing anything let alone do some colouring, watch TV episodes or anything. Every day is the same here. Meal times and cigarette slots break up the day (and groups, but I’m not allowrd to most of them yet ). I feel paralysed. There’s nothing to do here, no where to go. I’m not even allowed in my room until night time! There is also Ward round tomorrow which I am nervous about what to say. Luckily I’ll be 3rd on the list so I won’t have to wait too long. I still have not yet decided whether I want to stay or if I want to go. Lots of things on my mind. But anyway, I shall stop ranting for now and continue drinking my iced black coffee.

30 day blog challenge- (final) Day 30 – Your hopes for this blog

Wow I can’t believe I managed to finish a whole challenge! I’ve tried to do them in the past on tumblr and instagram but this is the first time I’ve ever managed to follow one through. Talk about dedication! Haha.

Well I created this blog as a way of expressing myself creatively, and also to documents the ups and downs of my life (including my mental health battles) for my own sake as well as to relate to others. I am hoping that I will come across amazing fellow bloggers, that people will be able to relate to my posts and that I will be committed to posting reguarly on this blog long term. If I think of anything else I shall edit this.

Thanks so much to everyone who has read all 30 of my posts for this challenge!

30 day blog challenge- Day 28 – Most embarrassing moment

Oh man I could write a book on my all embarassing moments! I have so many that I can’t even remmeber them at once! But I’ll go with one that I can clearly remember. 

I was living in one of the mental health step down care residential homes, on a drive with a member of staff and having a manic episode. I asked her to stop so I could get out and moony infront of 5 different cars. Then after being shouted at to get back in the car, I tried to do a moony from inside the car except my jeans (and knickers) fell down altogether, completely exposing myself to the member of staff! I was mortified!!! At least she was female!

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