Being in hospital is not a novelty!!

This topic came to my mind purely after thinking to myself “being here sucks. Being in hospital sucks (this one more than others, admittedly)

It annoys me how some people romanticise being in hospital. Of course it’s nothing to be ashamed of either. But it’s not a competition. There has been so much competition I have witnessed during my time in services. A sectioned patient isn’t superior to an informal patient and often doesn’t always mean they are more ill.  Being ill in itself isn’t a novelty, unless you count agonising mental pain as a trophy.

I should know this because I’ve spent quite a lot of my time in hospitals since I was 15 (all my time since then either in hospital or care homes) and it really doesn’t get easier. Is this the way anyone would choose to spend the last of their teenage years and early 20’s? Anyway, rant over. Sorry for the unstructured outburst.

My first Christmas in hospital since I was 17…

Hey everyone. I haven’t posted much because there hasn’t been much change in how I have been or how the unit has been. As the title states, this was my first Christmas in hospital since 2011 (the rest since being in care homes). Christmas is a difficult time of year for a lot of people especially when there is so much pressure to be cheerful.

So the majority of patients went on leave for Christmas. A few of them even went on leave for over 2 weeks and are due back next week! So it was only myself and 2 other patients who were here on Christmas day. 

It wasn’t too bad considering it was in hospital. We watched the new Tarzan movie downstairs on the big projector, opened gifts from the hospital  (they asked us what we wanted in a 10 pound budget so I  asked for slippers). My parents then came in the afternoon and stayed until evening which was really lovely. It’s been the first Christmas day that I’ve spent with them since I was 15 because previously they have come to see me on boxing day instead.

Oh, and it’s my birthday on the 11th January! I am soo not ready to be 22!! I am getting a nice Samsung tablet for my birthday though so I can sync it with my Samsung phone.

The last few days after Christmas have been extremely difficult though, a lot of sh** went down but I’m a survivor. The situation is still pretty difficult and I’ve had to make pretty big scary decisions but I’m trying not to think too much about it or else I will end up playing a thousand different scenarios round and round in my head.

It is also my professionals meeting on the 4th January. In this meeting, I will be asked again if I would like to stay or go somewhere else. Over the last 6 weeks I have gone from being on the fence, to being adamant about leaving, and now being on the fence again. Honestly speaking, due to what my care coordinator has told me (who will also be in the meeting), it would be hard to find a place for me to go even if I protested to leave. I think I will still request to leave in case this is my last chance to back out, because once I make a commitment , that’s it.

But anyway that’s enough about my life for now. Has anyone got any new year’s resolutions ? If you do, feel free to comment below 🙂

It’s Christmas week!

Hi everyone hope you are all having a good week, especially since Christmas is only a few sleeps away! I know a lot of people find Christmas a really hard time of the year (myself including sorta) so for those of you who do struggle with it, I hope it isn’t too hard.

Christmas week on the ward isn’t much different. There aren’t as many groups because the people who do some of the groups (like the social worker who does a “Healthy relationships” group) are on holiday (can’t say I’m gutted about that haha). Normally DBT runs for 3 hours once a week (I haven’t started the course yet) but the psychologist is off too. We do have a Christmas tree but it looks pretty sad because we aren’t allowed any lights. There is tinsel hanging around the ward to try and make it look festive.

For me personally, I am just going with the flow. I’m not too fussed this year about Christmas or finding it too hard. I’m not getting gifts for anyone this year because my bank account is screwed (long story) which my friends understand but I will get them as soon as my bank account is sorted out. My parents will be coming to visit on Christmas day so it will be good to spend the day with them, even if I am stuck here. It will be the first Christmas I’ve spent with my family for quite a few years now – they haven’t visited me before on Christmas day itself, usually boxing day.

Me, being my superficial self, I’m still annoyed at hermes delivery because they keep delaying delivering my parcel. The tracking keeps saying “delayed due to external factors”. I can’t wait to get my Pokemon Moon game! I’ve literally spent the first part of the week going “is there any post for me yet?” and most likely have driven the staff up the wall! Hoping it will come today – 2 days late!

Anyway like I said I hope you all have a good Christmas, or the best one that you possibly can! Thanks to all my followers who have read my posts etc. Bye for now!

 

 

The day before my CPA…

I know I’ve written about my upcoming CPA a lot but I thought it was going to be the end of this week, not tomorrow! I was told today by the ward manager. And “shitting myself” does not come close to how I am feeling.

I’ve spoken to the other staff and patients about it. To be fair this afternoon has been really nice chilling in the lounge with a few others. Apparently I will have to say why I want to stay here and my goals for the future. And that’s going to be a very tough one for me, considering the prospect of even another day approaching terrifies and overwhelmes me. I said to one of the patients “Um, well, I could be in a lot worse places than here with less freedom.” But she said that isn’t a good reason to stay, so I shouldn’t say that.

The main issue I have is being at loggerheads with the team over my destructive behaviours. I am currently not ready to stop these behaviours. I said I don’t see why I should stop if I am still in this much pain. The behaviours are just  a symptom of the root problems, and for me, it would only make sense in my personal situation for the behaviours to only stop when the problems have been worked through, until I wouldn’t need them anymore. But here, before you officially start therapy, you have to commit to be willing to change your behaviours before  starting – and this goes against everything I believe in. 

So I have no idea what I am going to say. The patients have said “If they’ve kept you up to the 6 week period, they’re not gonna just kick you out” – but I’m not sure in my case. They’ve been threatening to kick me out ever since my first week. Even the consultant himself one ward round a few weeks ago said that if I carried on the way I have, I wouldn’t be allowed to stay  – but here I still am. I am aware that I am completely contradicting myself with every sentence, but that’s me – a walking contradiction.

It’s now approaching evening time which is extremely anxiety provoking. It means that the next day is sooner (I wrote about this in my previous post). I’m going to listen to some music and maybe do some of my colouring to take my mind off all the possible outcomes of tomorrow. Thanks to everyone who have bothered to read. Wish me luck!

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