So I am aware it has been like nearly 6 months since I last posted. I just haven’t really been able to put what’s in my head into words lately, even when it comes to writing my own personal diary. But they recently found my laptop which I am now typing on (instead of posting on my phone like I usually do), so I thought that now would be a good time to write an update (if anyone actually cares, that is). Bear in mind also that I haven’t slept at all last night, not even a second, so if what I’m writing ends up in a jumble then please excuse me.
I am still an inpatient at the same personality disorder ward, still under section. However, quite a lot has changed circumstance wise for the better, but mentally I still don’t know where I’m at, and am unable to decipher whether I am actually in myself feeling any better or not.
For the past 2 months I’ve been off 1-1 observations which means I don’t have someone following me around all the time anymore and can finally shower and go to the toilet in peace! I am also eating my meals downstairs with the others with proper crockery when before all my food had to be sent up using plastic crockery due to risk of me smashing proper crockery to harm myself. I am also allowed out for 1 hour every day with a member of staff, and for 6 hours with my parents. And we are hopefully thinking about possible home leave soon.
When I first got taken off 1 to 1, I was filled with so much positivity about wanting a better life for myself etc. And I still do want that. But most days inside the depresssion still has such a strong hold over me making me want to just sleep all the time, not knowing what I want. Because it’s true – I don’t really have many long term goals because seeing even past the next day is hard for me. I wish so much that I could turn back time and make things different or cherish what I had before, but as we all know, that’s impossible.
My eyes are playing tricks on me with the computer screen, that’s the lack of sleep kicking in. So it’s probably a good time to stop. Apologies for the jumble and thank you to anyone who actually bothers to read this xxx