Coming home – Reflections.

Firstly, excuse the horrible photo of myself I took this morning – I had another completely sleepless night last night.

But anyway, I had family therapy this morning at 10 and am now at home overnight until tomorrow, which is a huge achievement since I hadn’t been home even just for a visit for over 5 years – when I was 17. I’ve been really excited about going home since it was planned over a week ago.

At the moment I’m sitting in the conservatory with my mum. I’m trying to figure out the intense ball of feelings that have arisen. It’s nice to be home, everything is the way I imagined it to be – but I can’t help feel nostalgic over past memories and wishing I could turn back time to when I was last living here. Also, I am absolutely dreading having to go back to the ward tomorrow afternoon.

It’s been nice so far, playing with my cats, chatting with my parents and just chilling really. The lack of sleep hasn’t really helped my mood though. But anyway, I shall stop here for now. Thanks for anyone who bothers reading my burble of senseless crap!

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Update update update!

So I am aware it has been like nearly 6 months since I last posted. I just haven’t really been able to put what’s in my head into words lately, even when it comes to writing my own personal diary. But they recently found my laptop which I am now typing on (instead of posting on my phone like I usually do), so I thought that now would be a good time to write an update (if anyone actually cares, that is). Bear in mind also that I haven’t slept at all last night, not even a second, so if what I’m writing ends up in a jumble then please excuse me.

I am still an inpatient at the same personality disorder ward, still under section. However, quite a lot has changed circumstance wise for the better, but mentally I still don’t know where I’m at, and am unable to decipher whether I am actually in myself feeling any better or not.

For the past 2 months I’ve been off 1-1 observations which means I don’t have someone following me around all the time anymore and can finally shower and go to the toilet in peace! I am also eating my meals downstairs with the others with proper crockery when before all my food had to be sent up using plastic crockery due to risk of me smashing proper crockery to harm myself. I am also allowed out for 1 hour every day with a member of staff, and for 6 hours with my parents. And we are hopefully thinking about possible home leave soon.

When I first got taken off 1 to 1, I was filled with so much positivity about wanting a better life for myself etc. And I still do want that. But most days inside the depresssion still has such a strong hold over me making me want to just sleep all the time, not knowing what I want. Because it’s true – I don’t really have many long term goals because seeing even past the next day is hard for me. I wish so much that I could turn back time and make things different or cherish what I had before, but as we all know, that’s impossible.

My eyes are playing tricks on me with the computer screen, that’s the lack of sleep kicking in. So it’s probably a good time to stop. Apologies for the jumble and thank you to anyone who actually bothers to read this xxx

Therapy struggles: the joys!

Hey everybody! Long time no update. I haven’t really known what to write to be honest because of the whirlwind in my head. I cannot believe it is February already! Time passing tends to affect me quite badly as it is a constant reminder of how nothing is in our control. I’ve felt it even as I was growing up.

Things with my therapist aren’t going particularly well. My head pulls blanks on me and is very confusing at the moment, meaning I answer a lot of questions saying “I’m not sure” and telling her truthfully that my mind had gone blank. However she took it as me trying to avoid questions and using defence mechanisms when the truth was genuinely that I wasn’t sure! At the end of the session she admitted she was annoyed and frustrated and that in therapy you’re expected to work etc which made me feel bad because I wasn’t intentionally holding things back. She’s not like any of the other therapists I’ve had before, no therapist has ever gotten annoyed with me before. However she is a very experienced DBT psychologist with the title Dr before her name and has done DBT training with the woman wh0 invented DBT herself. She seems to get on with some of the other patients better than me, with a lot of jokes smiles and apparently even hugs. I have therapy again tomorrow which I can’t help but to dread.

My eating hasn’t been going great either. I keep binging and it’s really doing my head in. A week before my birthday I managed to not binge and I know I can do it again. It’s even harder stuck in here because I’m stuck in the same room every single day (the lounge, cause I’m not allowed in my room during the day due to apparent “risk”) with nothing to do. Hopefully it will get easier once I get leave and have more structure in my day. But that’s a long way off because they won’t even take me off 1 to 1 at the moment! Little steps I guess..

Sh** happens…

I am aware that my posts are pretty same-ish and I always write about the same things but there aren’t often a lot of changes that happen when you’re in a psych ward unless you’re doing really well and get to go out etc (which I haven’t reached yet) So if any of you have any suggestions on what you would like me to write about please comment below.

I have a lot of sadness inside me and reflections on the past that I would usually write about (especially with Facebook memories popping up 24/7) but at the moment it is too painful to even think about. So for now let’s focus on the here and now. 

I’ve been feeling kinda of crap and empty the last few days and I’m not entirely sure why. I have ward round pretty soon and I’m pretty nervous about it because a significant incident happened last week where I was rushed to hospital (hence my post title) and the consultant here likes to asks loads of questions. Every day here is the same and it’s all so mundane…

I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22! (Or not)

I walked into the lounge and 22 by Taylor Swift came on right away – must be fate!   It doesn’t really feel like a birthday – I still feel like I’m 17! But remember one of the latest posts I wrote about needing to take more care of myself? I managed to have a shower yesterday and did my makeup. The other girls all put some money in to get me a birthday present- a cute pair of pyjamas and socks which I am wearing now. Later on we are going to order a takeaway using spare cash the unit has.

However it is also ward round today and I regret agreeing to come into my ward round as it was horrifically stressful  (apart them all singing happy birthday to me when I walked in at first- cringe!). They’re trying to pressure me into not doing things I’m not ready to stop which is hard for me. But apart from writing about it now I have decided not to dwell on it as it won’t help matters.

On a positive,  In the last 7 days I have only binged properly twice which is huge achievement for me! And it hasn’t all been a struggle- it feels like second nature to me now. Have to be weighed tomorrow morning though which I’m sure will send me off the edge. But anyway! Enough negativity!

I’m going to spend the rest of the day chilling out whether it just means continuing reading the Fault In Our Stars on my new tablet or chatting with the other girls.

Being in hospital is not a novelty!!

This topic came to my mind purely after thinking to myself “being here sucks. Being in hospital sucks (this one more than others, admittedly)

It annoys me how some people romanticise being in hospital. Of course it’s nothing to be ashamed of either. But it’s not a competition. There has been so much competition I have witnessed during my time in services. A sectioned patient isn’t superior to an informal patient and often doesn’t always mean they are more ill.  Being ill in itself isn’t a novelty, unless you count agonising mental pain as a trophy.

I should know this because I’ve spent quite a lot of my time in hospitals since I was 15 (all my time since then either in hospital or care homes) and it really doesn’t get easier. Is this the way anyone would choose to spend the last of their teenage years and early 20’s? Anyway, rant over. Sorry for the unstructured outburst.

The day before my CPA…

I know I’ve written about my upcoming CPA a lot but I thought it was going to be the end of this week, not tomorrow! I was told today by the ward manager. And “shitting myself” does not come close to how I am feeling.

I’ve spoken to the other staff and patients about it. To be fair this afternoon has been really nice chilling in the lounge with a few others. Apparently I will have to say why I want to stay here and my goals for the future. And that’s going to be a very tough one for me, considering the prospect of even another day approaching terrifies and overwhelmes me. I said to one of the patients “Um, well, I could be in a lot worse places than here with less freedom.” But she said that isn’t a good reason to stay, so I shouldn’t say that.

The main issue I have is being at loggerheads with the team over my destructive behaviours. I am currently not ready to stop these behaviours. I said I don’t see why I should stop if I am still in this much pain. The behaviours are just  a symptom of the root problems, and for me, it would only make sense in my personal situation for the behaviours to only stop when the problems have been worked through, until I wouldn’t need them anymore. But here, before you officially start therapy, you have to commit to be willing to change your behaviours before  starting – and this goes against everything I believe in. 

So I have no idea what I am going to say. The patients have said “If they’ve kept you up to the 6 week period, they’re not gonna just kick you out” – but I’m not sure in my case. They’ve been threatening to kick me out ever since my first week. Even the consultant himself one ward round a few weeks ago said that if I carried on the way I have, I wouldn’t be allowed to stay  – but here I still am. I am aware that I am completely contradicting myself with every sentence, but that’s me – a walking contradiction.

It’s now approaching evening time which is extremely anxiety provoking. It means that the next day is sooner (I wrote about this in my previous post). I’m going to listen to some music and maybe do some of my colouring to take my mind off all the possible outcomes of tomorrow. Thanks to everyone who have bothered to read. Wish me luck!

Inpatient – The plan of action so far.

So I’ve been in this particular PD ward coming up 4 weeks now, meaning that in a couple of weeks, the 6 week assessment will be over and I will have my first CPA. 

And I have no idea if I will be staying or going.

I will list a few factors that might influence the eventual outcome, many of which will contradict each other

  •  Over the past week, I have made up my mind that I’d like to stay. I wrote a letter saying that this is a far more therapeutic ward than my previous few, and I am willing to engage except from my behaviours. But apparently the whole reason of being here is to stop the behaviours
  • The consultant said that being here is about a motivation to change to build a better life for yourself and to stop self destructive behaviours. Which is the exact opposite of how I feel in myself. It’s not that I dont want to get better but I just can’t imagine it. And I am strongly adamant not to stop the behaviours because of deep set reasons and besides why would I want to “manage” better when I feel just as unbearable inside? All they want is to treat the symptoms not the cause. And no don’t even go there with elastic bands or ice because that wouldn’t meet my reasons as to why I do what I do.
  • The main problem at the moment is the fact that I am being restrained daily due, which they cannot cope with. I said that I am going to try and stop which will lessen the restraints but Im not sure it can happen in 2 weeks before my CPA especially after the tortorous week I have had.
  • I have seen the psychologist here a few times now. She is really good – shes got a doctor status and she is trained in many types of therapy for many types of illnesses. Her plan is to see me a few more times, then decide what would be the best therapy/treatment for me. This ward only does DBT and if I’m not suitable for it then apparently there’s no point me being here.
  • I just don’t want to end up moving somewhere else (aka a horrid medium secure unit) and be full of regret. This is actually a decent (ish) ward (even though I hate being in hospital anyway) with a lot of trained staff with a full occupational therapy group timetable and therapy schedules. I don’t want to end up in a situation where I’ve blown the only chance of treatment I will ever have.
  • However, the staff are fully aware and are pleased with how hard I am trying to cope otherwise.

So I basically have not much of a clue.

Anyway I am currently worrying about the possibility of another sleepless night so I shall end this now. I know I have pretty much just moaned about myself but I hope that it at least had made sense.

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