Night time ramblings

Hello people! Having a sleepless night- I knew all these nights of going to sleep at 6-7pm (due to medication and just wanting to be asleep for most of the time possible) would catch up on me!

 Had therapy yesterday which was a bit intense but not too hard. I made sure to say “I’m not sure” too many times cause it admittedly  (on her account) frustrated her last time. She gave me a diary card as homework for the next week to complete every day- I have to rate a list of emotions separately between 0 to 5 (5 being the strongest). She has also given me instructions to practice mindful breathing exercises daily which will be a struggle to remember! I have ward round today, but they are starting from my end of the corridoor this week so I will be third luckily. Always better to get it over and done with I guess. 

Anyway the staff want me to try and to back to sleep so I shall stop now. In the process of downloading some mindfulness app they recommended – let’s see how that goes!

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The worst part about bedtime…

Some people find night time difficult for a variety of reasons. However, other people might cherish night times as a way of relaxing and unwinding at the end of another day.  Or some would feel pure relief at being able to go to bed. But for me, anxiety builds approaching bedtime. Purely because the sooner you go to bed, the sooner you wake up to another day, having to do it all over again. The same inner torment, fight or flight mode, the same haunting fears…

I guess the reason why this subject has become a bit more prominent in my mind is because the increase in my medication is making me feel more tired especially early evenings. Hence earlier bedtime.
I’m really trying to challenge these fears because there is absolutely no point in worrying about how things will be tomorrow before today is even finished. It’s a waste. Yet our minds make it impossible to be rational. I have a lot of quotes saved on my phone, about how we should enjoy the present moment, not to let tomorrow’s worries take away today’s joy etc. Even a verse from the New Testament “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself.”

It’s hard but I really am trying to stay grounded in the present moment. As a Christian, I visualise myself putting my worries in God’s hands, and I believe that He is in control of tomorrow, and who knows what good might happen.

Hope this has made at least some sense. I shall now resume lying on the beanbags in the corner of the lounge for now. 

Sleepless nights (poem)

Don’t you hate those sleepless nights?

When no rest for you awaits?
With racing thoughts you fight,
And feelings you cannot shake?​

From the torture that’s called life,
Surely I’m allowed a break?
But instead I softly cry
There’s not much more I can take.

Each breath feels so heavy
And I can barely stand.
My pulse is not so steady
Due to life’s endless demands.

What have I done to deserve this?
Trapped all alone with my fears?
I tremble and I clench my fists.
My clothes are drenched in tears.

Each second lasts a lifetime
I think of the day ahead.
When I’ll forced to function,
Filled constantly with dread.

Don’t you hate these restless nights?
And the fact you are still awake?
Soon the room will be filled with light
And more smiles you’ll have to fake. 

By e.y.h.l

This is a poem I wrote a few months ago. I am having another sleepless night tonight so I thought it would be pretty apt to share it. Hope you like it x

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