Just existing.

Hey everyone. I know I haven’t posted in a while due to not having anything worthy to post about but I guess this is my blog and I get to choose what is considered “worthy” of sharing right? I’ve been tempted to post about a few topics such as my eating disorder, a motivational bucket list of things I want to do once I get out of hospital etc but I haven’t gotten around to putting these things into words. I will most likely write about these things in the future as they are both important to me.


So anyway I had my manager’s hearing today. A manager’s hearing is a meeting that takes place whenever your section is up for renewal and it consists of 3 independent mental health professionals coming in to assess whether the patient should remain on section or not. At first I wasn’t going to go in but I saw my solicitor who persuaded me to go in. I told her that if discharge wasn’t possible, I would prefer to be transferred to a different hospital, and she said that the panel could make a recommendation for me to move. However in the end the panel just said that they were only here regarding my section, the rest wasn’t up to them. Long story short, I didn’t come off my sectioned. They still think I have a mental disorder etc. Which isn’t surprising but yknow.

I know I would most likely be criticised for writing about this online, but a lot of the reason that I want to leave is because I feel like no one understands me here. I don’t feel any sense of trust or connection with any of the team here compared to previous hospitals/placements. I miss some of the staff from my old places so much. I don’t feel like being here has helped me at all. All I am doing is existing. 

About a week ago, the psychologist said she recommended me starting the group DBT programme but in therapy yesterday she realised there were some parts of the routine I would not be able to keep myself safe i.e going to the dining room for lunch straight from group ( – I’m not allowed in the dining room due to stuff I can use in a risky way) and the possibility of risk items lying around the therapy room would be quite high. So now she wants to discuss my “risk” and challenge my “committment to treatment”. Here’s to say therapy isn’t my favourite past time at the moment!

Anyway it’s the end of the week so I shall stop moaning for now. Hopefully one day things may change for the better but for now, all I can do is exist and try to get through each day the best I can. 

Night time ramblings

Hello people! Having a sleepless night- I knew all these nights of going to sleep at 6-7pm (due to medication and just wanting to be asleep for most of the time possible) would catch up on me!

 Had therapy yesterday which was a bit intense but not too hard. I made sure to say “I’m not sure” too many times cause it admittedly  (on her account) frustrated her last time. She gave me a diary card as homework for the next week to complete every day- I have to rate a list of emotions separately between 0 to 5 (5 being the strongest). She has also given me instructions to practice mindful breathing exercises daily which will be a struggle to remember! I have ward round today, but they are starting from my end of the corridoor this week so I will be third luckily. Always better to get it over and done with I guess. 

Anyway the staff want me to try and to back to sleep so I shall stop now. In the process of downloading some mindfulness app they recommended – let’s see how that goes!

Therapy struggles: the joys!

Hey everybody! Long time no update. I haven’t really known what to write to be honest because of the whirlwind in my head. I cannot believe it is February already! Time passing tends to affect me quite badly as it is a constant reminder of how nothing is in our control. I’ve felt it even as I was growing up.

Things with my therapist aren’t going particularly well. My head pulls blanks on me and is very confusing at the moment, meaning I answer a lot of questions saying “I’m not sure” and telling her truthfully that my mind had gone blank. However she took it as me trying to avoid questions and using defence mechanisms when the truth was genuinely that I wasn’t sure! At the end of the session she admitted she was annoyed and frustrated and that in therapy you’re expected to work etc which made me feel bad because I wasn’t intentionally holding things back. She’s not like any of the other therapists I’ve had before, no therapist has ever gotten annoyed with me before. However she is a very experienced DBT psychologist with the title Dr before her name and has done DBT training with the woman wh0 invented DBT herself. She seems to get on with some of the other patients better than me, with a lot of jokes smiles and apparently even hugs. I have therapy again tomorrow which I can’t help but to dread.

My eating hasn’t been going great either. I keep binging and it’s really doing my head in. A week before my birthday I managed to not binge and I know I can do it again. It’s even harder stuck in here because I’m stuck in the same room every single day (the lounge, cause I’m not allowed in my room during the day due to apparent “risk”) with nothing to do. Hopefully it will get easier once I get leave and have more structure in my day. But that’s a long way off because they won’t even take me off 1 to 1 at the moment! Little steps I guess..

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑