Update update update!

So I am aware it has been like nearly 6 months since I last posted. I just haven’t really been able to put what’s in my head into words lately, even when it comes to writing my own personal diary. But they recently found my laptop which I am now typing on (instead of posting on my phone like I usually do), so I thought that now would be a good time to write an update (if anyone actually cares, that is). Bear in mind also that I haven’t slept at all last night, not even a second, so if what I’m writing ends up in a jumble then please excuse me.

I am still an inpatient at the same personality disorder ward, still under section. However, quite a lot has changed circumstance wise for the better, but mentally I still don’t know where I’m at, and am unable to decipher whether I am actually in myself feeling any better or not.

For the past 2 months I’ve been off 1-1 observations which means I don’t have someone following me around all the time anymore and can finally shower and go to the toilet in peace! I am also eating my meals downstairs with the others with proper crockery when before all my food had to be sent up using plastic crockery due to risk of me smashing proper crockery to harm myself. I am also allowed out for 1 hour every day with a member of staff, and for 6 hours with my parents. And we are hopefully thinking about possible home leave soon.

When I first got taken off 1 to 1, I was filled with so much positivity about wanting a better life for myself etc. And I still do want that. But most days inside the depresssion still has such a strong hold over me making me want to just sleep all the time, not knowing what I want. Because it’s true – I don’t really have many long term goals because seeing even past the next day is hard for me. I wish so much that I could turn back time and make things different or cherish what I had before, but as we all know, that’s impossible.

My eyes are playing tricks on me with the computer screen, that’s the lack of sleep kicking in. So it’s probably a good time to stop. Apologies for the jumble and thank you to anyone who actually bothers to read this xxx

Therapy struggles: the joys!

Hey everybody! Long time no update. I haven’t really known what to write to be honest because of the whirlwind in my head. I cannot believe it is February already! Time passing tends to affect me quite badly as it is a constant reminder of how nothing is in our control. I’ve felt it even as I was growing up.

Things with my therapist aren’t going particularly well. My head pulls blanks on me and is very confusing at the moment, meaning I answer a lot of questions saying “I’m not sure” and telling her truthfully that my mind had gone blank. However she took it as me trying to avoid questions and using defence mechanisms when the truth was genuinely that I wasn’t sure! At the end of the session she admitted she was annoyed and frustrated and that in therapy you’re expected to work etc which made me feel bad because I wasn’t intentionally holding things back. She’s not like any of the other therapists I’ve had before, no therapist has ever gotten annoyed with me before. However she is a very experienced DBT psychologist with the title Dr before her name and has done DBT training with the woman wh0 invented DBT herself. She seems to get on with some of the other patients better than me, with a lot of jokes smiles and apparently even hugs. I have therapy again tomorrow which I can’t help but to dread.

My eating hasn’t been going great either. I keep binging and it’s really doing my head in. A week before my birthday I managed to not binge and I know I can do it again. It’s even harder stuck in here because I’m stuck in the same room every single day (the lounge, cause I’m not allowed in my room during the day due to apparent “risk”) with nothing to do. Hopefully it will get easier once I get leave and have more structure in my day. But that’s a long way off because they won’t even take me off 1 to 1 at the moment! Little steps I guess..

Sh** happens…

I am aware that my posts are pretty same-ish and I always write about the same things but there aren’t often a lot of changes that happen when you’re in a psych ward unless you’re doing really well and get to go out etc (which I haven’t reached yet) So if any of you have any suggestions on what you would like me to write about please comment below.

I have a lot of sadness inside me and reflections on the past that I would usually write about (especially with Facebook memories popping up 24/7) but at the moment it is too painful to even think about. So for now let’s focus on the here and now. 

I’ve been feeling kinda of crap and empty the last few days and I’m not entirely sure why. I have ward round pretty soon and I’m pretty nervous about it because a significant incident happened last week where I was rushed to hospital (hence my post title) and the consultant here likes to asks loads of questions. Every day here is the same and it’s all so mundane…

I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22! (Or not)

I walked into the lounge and 22 by Taylor Swift came on right away – must be fate!   It doesn’t really feel like a birthday – I still feel like I’m 17! But remember one of the latest posts I wrote about needing to take more care of myself? I managed to have a shower yesterday and did my makeup. The other girls all put some money in to get me a birthday present- a cute pair of pyjamas and socks which I am wearing now. Later on we are going to order a takeaway using spare cash the unit has.

However it is also ward round today and I regret agreeing to come into my ward round as it was horrifically stressful  (apart them all singing happy birthday to me when I walked in at first- cringe!). They’re trying to pressure me into not doing things I’m not ready to stop which is hard for me. But apart from writing about it now I have decided not to dwell on it as it won’t help matters.

On a positive,  In the last 7 days I have only binged properly twice which is huge achievement for me! And it hasn’t all been a struggle- it feels like second nature to me now. Have to be weighed tomorrow morning though which I’m sure will send me off the edge. But anyway! Enough negativity!

I’m going to spend the rest of the day chilling out whether it just means continuing reading the Fault In Our Stars on my new tablet or chatting with the other girls.

Being in hospital is not a novelty!!

This topic came to my mind purely after thinking to myself “being here sucks. Being in hospital sucks (this one more than others, admittedly)

It annoys me how some people romanticise being in hospital. Of course it’s nothing to be ashamed of either. But it’s not a competition. There has been so much competition I have witnessed during my time in services. A sectioned patient isn’t superior to an informal patient and often doesn’t always mean they are more ill.  Being ill in itself isn’t a novelty, unless you count agonising mental pain as a trophy.

I should know this because I’ve spent quite a lot of my time in hospitals since I was 15 (all my time since then either in hospital or care homes) and it really doesn’t get easier. Is this the way anyone would choose to spend the last of their teenage years and early 20’s? Anyway, rant over. Sorry for the unstructured outburst.

It’s  my birthday on Wednesday!

…And I don’t feel 22 at all! I can’t believe how quick the time is going and the years are passing.  It saddens me a lot really because I feel like I’m getting older with nothing to show for. It will also be my first birthday since I was 17 (my last sober birthday)!! 

I really need to sort myself out this year. I am not looking after myself physically and I spend all my time in pyjamas. Sure, it may be understandable since I am in hospital but it doesn’t make it an excuse! I am also not eating healthily and binging which makes me loathe myself more and contributes to me not wanting to get dressed cause of the phobia of my clothes getting tight. I’m  a mess, physically as well as emotionally. But I know enough is enough and hopefully I will continue with this motivation.

I got a new tablet for my birthday from my parents but I’m not allowed to open it till my birthday. I feel guilty and materialistic but surely everyone is allowed nice things? 

Anyway I will probably spend the day playing games on my phone and pokemon on my DS – I kinda gave up on it but I must persevere! Hope you are all having a good weekend so far! 

First time on WordPress using my laptop!

Just wanted to write an entry for the sake of writing from my laptop, as opposed to previously posting from my phone.

Today was ward round today, and having my laptop is one of the outcomes which I am happy about. I am still not allowed to spend time in my room though, and they won’t take me off 1 to 1 observations due to “risk” which sucks but I’m trying not to be down about it. The consultant didn’t particularly seem enthusiastic about the fact I wanted to leave, which is surprising because when I first was admitted, they said that if you aren’t ready to make a commitment to stop certain  behaviours, you can’t stay here. So I don’t really know where I stand. He did tell me to bring it up in my next review on the 4th January though. I don’t know. Some days, the thought of staying here doesn’t seem too bad but other days it feels unbearable. I don’t really know what’s best for me, but I do know what isn’t good for me. I mean, no one knows you better than yourself right? And it’s not like I’m making an impulsive decision.

It’s also my birthday next month. I can’t imagine being here on my birthday. It will be my first birthday in hospital since I was 17 (I’ve been in care homes between my hospitalisations) and my first birthday without alcohol since I was 18. I really don’t feel ready to be 22. My 21st year has just been self destruction. But worryingly enough, I wouldn’t see that as a negative. I need to clear my morbid mind out!

Anyway on a more positive note, they have finished refurbishing the lounge so we are no longer cramped up in the ward round room, and they are replacing our bedroom furniture with new furniture. It’s been so hectic with all the builders here but hopefully it won’t be too much longer.

Also, as I write often, please please leave feedback and please let me know if there is anything you would like me to write about or any topics you would like me to post. It would be very much appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Decisions.

It’s been a few days since I updated. Not a lot has happened except the fact they refurbished my room and are now refurbishing the lounge floor. Which means we are all stuck in the ward round room using it as our lounge, and I have nowhere else to go because I’m not allowed in my room during the day.

I have come to a decision though. I have requested to leave – I emailed my care coordinator, wrote a letter to the team here and spoken to the ward manager. I am just not ready to be in the programme, and I am not ready to stop certain things that they are trying to pressure me into. The only problem is the time it may take for my care coordinator to find somewhere else. Because I wasn’t sure about staying or going in my last CPA, they organised another review on 4th January – but that’s still a whole month away!!! It’s very unlikely anything will be sorted out before then due to the Christmas period. So I will just have to try and survive until then. It’s so hard though.

My medication is still making me pretty tired. I think it’s helping me stay calm to a certain extent. It does my head in making me sleepy at 6-7pm meaning I oversleep but I don’t have much choice in the matter so I just roll with it.

Anyway I hope you bloggers out there are having the best weekend possible! If there is any topic any of you have that you would like me to write about please let me know in the comments.

Restlessness

I am not entirely sure why, but I’ve been feeling extra restless lately. Even the staff have noticed it. I used to spend  time doing activities such as colouring or doing my dot to dot books but I just can’t concentrate at all. I’ll pick something up and end up putting it down again 5 minutes later. It’s rather annoying when there isn’t much to do here in the first place. Even having my phone and nintendo DS back isn’t much help. I literally have to try consciously to find something to try and do. I went to bed pretty early yesterday – I even started trying to sleep at 7pm because I was so bored!

Anyway enough of my ranting. Hoping I will feel more settled soon and also hoping you guys have all had a good week so far.

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